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AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


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AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


hi'? 
AFTER  DINNER  STORIES  '^o^' 


MARK  TWAIN'S  LAWN  MOWER 
HERE  Is  a  new  Mark  Twain  story,  or  rather  an 
old  one  recently  come  to  light.  Some  years  ago 
the  famous  humorist  asked  a  neighbor  if  he  might 
read  a  set  of  his  books.  The  neighbor  replied 
ungraciously  that  he  was  welcome  to  read  them 

in  his  library,  but  he  had  a  rule  never  to  let  a  book  leave  the 

house.     Some  weeks  later  the  same  neighbor  sent  over  to  ask 

for  the  loan  of  his  lawn  mower. 

"  I  shall  be  very  glad  to  loan  you   my  lawn  mower,"  said 

Mark  Twain,    "  but  since  I  make  it  a  rule  never  to  let  it  leave 

my  lawn  you  will  be  obliged  to  use  it  there." 


NO  INTERRUPTION 
Senator  Perkins  of  CcJifomia  tells  a  story  of  a  scene  in  a 
court  room  on  the  coast  where  a  main  arrested  for  robbery  ve- 
hemently asserted  his  innocence,  even  after  he  had  been  convic- 
ted by  a  jury. 

"  May  the  Almighty  strike  me  dead  on  this  spot  if  I  am  not 
innocent !"  he  shouted. 

The   judge  waited  for  a  minute  or  two.    Then  he  said: 
"  Well,  prisoner,  as  Providence  has  not  interfered  I  will  take 
a  hand  aind  sentence  you  to  three  years  of  hard  labor." 

7 


AFTER   DINNER    STORIES 


EXCUSABLE 
This  Mr.  Carnegie  considers  his  choicest  Scotch  story: 

"  Once  at  a  party  there  was  a  crusty  old  Scot  seated  at  a 
whist  table,  playing  passionately,  and  his  partner  was  a  young 
woman,  the  daughter  of  a  neighboring  laird.    You  are  to  imag- 
ine this  young  womem's  surprise,  in  the  heat  of  the  game,when 
the  old  fellow  threw  down  his  cards,  and  bawled  at  her: 

"  'What  kind  of  game  are  ye  playin',  ye  darned  auld * 

"  And  then,  recollecting  himself,  he  bowed,  and  said  humbly 
to  the  outraged  girl: 

"  'Your  pardon's  begged  madam.  I  took  ye,  in  the  excitement, 
for  my  ain  wife.* " 


NO  LACK  OF  STRENGTH 

Bill  (to  sick  friend,  who,  with  lots  of  others,  is  suffering 
from  nausea  on  ship  board):  "What's  the  matter?  Weak 
stomach?" 

Sick  Friend  (Indignantly):  "  What  makes  you  think  I've 
got  a  weak  stomach?   Ain't  I  throwing  it  as  far  as  any  body?" 


NOT  ACCORDING  TO  HIS  LOGIC 
An  Irishmam   and  a  Frenchman  were  disputing  over  the 
nationality  of  a  friend  of  theirs. 

"  I  say,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "  that  he  was  bom  in  France: 
therefore  he  is  a  Frenchman." 

"  Not  at  all,"  said  Pat;  "  begorra,  if  a  cat  should  have  kittens 
in  the  oven  would  you  caU  them  biscuits?" 

8 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


AWAITING  THE  ANSWER 

"  You  probably  don't  remember  me,"  began  the  self-made 
man  proudly,  "but  20  years  ago,  when  I  was  a  poor,  humble 
boy,  you  gave  me  a  message  to  carry 

"  Yes,  yes,"  cried  the  busy  man.      "Where's  the  answer?" 


THE  POET  AGAIN 

He  had  long  hair  and  a  pensive  look.  He  v^ote  a  poem  en- 
titled "Why  I  Live."  He  signed  it  Augustus  and  sent  it  to  a  mag- 
azine. 

The  editor  wrote  him  as  follows:  "  My  dear  Augustus,  the 
reason  why  you  live,  is  because  you  sent  the  poem  by  mail  in- 
stead of  bringing  it  personally." 


THIS  JOKE  WILL  MAKE  GOOD 
Two  Irishmen  were  looking  at  Niagara  Falls.  Fliley  pointed 

to  the  Horse  Shoe  falls  and  said:  "  Isn't  that  wonderful,  Kelly?" 
"  Wontherful!"  says  KeUy,  "  what's  wontherful?" 
"Why,  to  see  all  that  water  come  thundering  over  them 

rocks." 

"  I  don't  see  as  it's    wontherful.    What  the  hell  is  there  to 

hinther  it  from  coming  aver?" 


A  WARNING 
A  one-eyed  man  was  cheating  at  poker.  A  man  who  de- 
tected him  said:  "  The  first  man  I  catch  cheating,  I'll  shoot  his 
other  eye  out." 

9 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


MOTHER  IN  LAW  AGAIN 

"  When  he  proposed,  did  you  tell  him  to  see  me?"  inquired 
her  mother. 

"  I  did,"  replied  Gladys,  "  and  he  said  he'd  seen  you  sev- 
eral times  but  that  he  loved  me  just  the  same." 


THE  IRISHMAN  AND  THE  MULE 

General  Phil  Sheridan  vv^as  at  one  time  asked  at  what  little 
incident  did  he  laugh  the  most. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  I  do  not  know,  but  I  always  laugh  when 
I  think  of  the  Irishman  and  the  army  mule.  I  was  riding  down  the 
line  one  day  when  I  saw  an  Irishman  mounted  on  a  mule  which 
was  kicking  its  legs  rather  heely.  The  mule  finally  got  its  hoof 
caught  in  the  stirrup,  when,  in  the  excitement,  the  Irishman  re- 
marked:   *  Well,  begorra,  if  you're  goin'  to  git  on  I'll  git  off.' " 


PROOF  POSITIVE 

Sunday-School  Superintendent:  "  Who  led  the  children  of 
Israel  into  Canaan?     Will   one  of  the  smaller  boys  answer?" 

No  reply. 

Superintendent  (somewhat  sternly):  "  Can  no  one  tell?  Little 
boy  on  that  seat  next  to  the  aisle,  who  led  the  children  of  Israel 
into  Canaan?" 

Little  Boy  (badly  frightened):  "  It  wasn't  me.  I I  just 

moved  yere  last  week  f'm  Mizzoury." 

10 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


DOING  HIS  BEST 

Gen.  Gordon,  of  Georgia,  relates  that  in  the  midst  of  a  great 
battle  he   saw   a  man   running   from   a   very   close   situation. 

"What  are  you  running  for?"  demanded  the  disgusted  gen- 
eral in  a  stem  vojce.  "  Golly,  General,"  said  the  fleeing  man, 
"I'm  rurming  because  I  can't  fly!" 


HE  SIMPLY  LOOKED  THAT  WAY 

The  man  in  the  smoker  was  boasting  of  his  unerring  ability  to 
to  tell  from  a  man's  looks  exactly  what  city  he  came  from. 
"  You  for  example,"  he  said  to  the  man  next  to  him,  "  you  are 
from  New  Orleans?"    He  was  right. 

"You  my  friend,"  turning  to  the  man  on  the  other  side  of 
him,  "  I  should  say  you  are  from  Chicago?"  Again  he  was  right. 

The  other  two  men  got  interested. 

"And  you  are  from  Boston?"  he  asked  the  third  man. 

"That's  right  too,"   said  the  New  Englander. 

"  And  you  are  from  Philadelphia,  I  should  say?"  to  the  last 
man. 

"No,  sir,"  answered  the  man  with  considerable  warmth; 
"  I've  been  sick  for  three  months;  that's  what  makes  me 
look  that  way!" 

A  DOUBLE  ORDER 
A  small  boy  rushed  into  a  drug  store  and  excitedly  called  for 
some  liniment  and  cement.  When  asked  why  he  desired  them 
both  at  once  he  said  nervously:    "  Pa  hit  Ma  with  a  cup." 

11 


AFTER   DINNER    STORIES 


THE  BONE  OF  CONTENTION 

"  At  Hale's  Ford  in  Virginia,"  said  Booker  Washington, 
"  I  used  to  know  in  my  boyhood  an  old  colored  man  called 
Uncle  Sam. 

"  Uncle  Sam  during  the  civil  war  took  a  great  interest  in  the 
conflict,  but  he  did  not  fight  himself.  A  white  man  took  him  to 
task  about  this  one  day. 

"  'Look  here,  Uncle  Sam,'  he  said,  'here  are  the  men  of  the 
north  and  the  men  of  the  south  killing  one  another  off  on  your 
account.  Why  don't  you  pitch  in  and  job  them?' 

"  Uncle  Sam  looked  at  his  interlocutor  with  a  pleasant  smile. 

"  'Mah  frien','  he  said,  'has  yo*  evah  seen  two  dawgs  a'fightin' 
ovah  a  bone?' 

"  'Of  course  I  have.'  said  the  white  man. 

"  'Did  yo*  evah  see  the  bone  fight?'  said  Uncle  Sam." 


HAD  TO  SEND  IT 

"  I  had  run  up  to  Glasgow  on  my  way  to  the  Highlands,* 
said  Mark  Twain,  "  and  stepped  into  a  telegraph  and  postal 
station  to  send  a  despatch  to  a  friend  in  London.  I  asked  several 
questions  as  to  how  long  it  would  take,  when  the  message 
would  be  delivered,  etc.  The  girl  at  the  desk  was  inclined  to 
be  snubbish,  and  at  the  third  or  fourth  question  she  cut  me  dead. 

"  But  I  got  even  with  her.  I  just  sent  my  friend  this  message: 
'Arrived  safely.  Girls  here  ugly  and  bad-tempered.'  And  she 
had  to  send  it  too!" 

12 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 

HAD  REACHED  THE  UMIT 

Pat  McCarthy  gave  a  dinner,  to  which  he  invited  three  or 
four  of  his  neighbors.  Pat  had  allowed  his  wife  to  cook  only  one 
chicken.  When  dinner  was  served  Pat  took  possession  of  the 
carving  knife,  and,  in  a  most  hospitable  tone,  said  to  Mrs.  Dugan: 

"  What  part  of  the  fowl  will  you  have?" 

"  A  leg,  if  you  please,"   was  the  answer. 

"  An'  what  part  will  yez  have?  Would  yez  loike  some  of  the 
white?"    Pat  inquired  of  Mrs.  O' Hooligan. 

"  An'  a  leg  will  do  me,"  she  answered.  As  each  answered 
the  part  of  the  fowl  she  desired  was  given  her. 

"  What  part  will  yez  have,  Moike  Walsh?"  Pat  blandly 
inquired  of  his  neighbor. 

"Oi  belave  Oi  will  take  a  leg,  too,"  said  Mike,  in  his  most 
modest  way,  wishing  to  follow  in  the  footsteps  of  the  rest  of  the 
compciny. 

"  Begorra,"  said  Pat  to  Mickey,  "what  does  yez  think  Oi'm 
carving — a  spider? ' ' 

A  POSSIBLE  CHANCE 
Abraham  Benedict  tells  of  a  school  teacher  in  Rochester  who 
had  a  great  deal  of  difficulty  with  a  few  mischievous  boys. 
One  day,  when  one  of  them  had  given  her  a  great  deal  of 
annoyance,  she  said  to  him:  "  I  wish  I  could  be  your  mother 
for  just  about  one  week.  I  would  rid  you  of  your  naughty  dis- 
position." 

"  Very  well,  I  will  speak  to  father  about  it,"   promptly   re- 
sponded the  lad. 
^  13 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


SO  MOTHER— SO  SON 

Vincent  weis  altogether  too  garrulous  in  school  to  please  his 
teachers.  Such  punishments  as  the  institution  allowed  to  be 
meted  out  were  tried  without  any  apparent  effect  upon  the  boy 
until  at  last  the  head  master  decided  to  mention  the  lad's  fault 
upon  his  monthly  report. 

So  the  next  report  to  his  father  had  these  words :  "  Vincent 
talks  a  great  deal." 

Back  came  the  report  by  mail  duly  signed,  but  with  this 
written  in  red  ink  under  the  comment:  "You  ought  to  hear  his 
mother." 


HOW  MARK  TWAIN  WAS  MISJUDGED 
When  Mark  Twain  was  a  young  and  struggling  newspaper 
writer,  in  San  Frcincisco,  a  lady  of  his  acqueiintcuice  saw  him  one 
day  with  a  cigar-box  under  his  arm  looking  in  a  shop  window. 
"  Mr.  Clemens,"  she  said,   "  I  always  see  you  with  a  cigar- 
box  under  your  arm.  I  am  afraid  you  are  smoking  too  much." 
"  It  isn't  that,"    said  Mark.    "I'm  moving  again." 


A  CLEVER  RETORT 

A   couple  of  Englishmen  going  down  Broadway  in  New 

York  City,  thought  they  would  have  some  fun  with  a  newsboy 

whom  they  were  about  to  pass.    So  one  of  them  said  to  him : 

"Say,  Johnny,  what  time  is  it  by  the  end  of  your  nose?"      The 

kid  answered  in  an  ordinary  manner.     "I  don't  know.    Mine 

ain't  running,  is  yours  ?" 

14 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


LOOKED  UKE  IT  TO  THE  CHILD 
A  lady  and   her   little    daughter  were  walking  through  a 
fashionable  street  when  they  came  to  a  portion  of  the  street 
strewn  with  straw,  so  as  to  deaden  the  noise  of  vehicles  passing 
a  certciin  house. 

"What's  that  for,  Ma?"  said  the  child,  to  which  the  mother 
replied,  "The  lady  who  lives  in  that  house,  my  dear,  has  had  a 
little  baby  girl  sent  her."  The  child  thought  a  moment,  looked  at 
the  quantity  of  straw,  and  said:  "Awfully  well  packed,  wasn't 
she,  Ma?" 


THE  CONFUSION  OF  THE  GOOD  SAMARITAN 
A  certain  benevolent  old  gentleman  while  out  walking  noticed 
a  child  of  about  eight  or  nine  years  crying  on  the  steps  of  a  near- 
by house. 

"Why  are  you  crying,  my  little  man?"  said  he.  "I  can't  reach 
the  bell  on  the  door,"  replied  the  youngster  and  he  burst  again 
into  sobs.  "1  will  ring  it  for  you,"  said  the  kindly  old  fellow,  and 
with  good  intent  he  mounted  the  steps  and  pulled  strongly  on 
the  bell-pull. 

As  he  descended  the  steps  the  little  fellow  looked  up  at  him 
and  v^th  his  face  wreathed  in  smiles  he  said  "T'ank  you,  now 
we  both  got  to  run,  ain't  we?" 


BEATS  THE  COAL  TRUST 
A  friend  of  mine  has  a  father  who  is  the  meanest  man  I  ever 
knew.    He  never  buys  any  coal.    He  lives  near  a  railroad  and 
makes  faces  at  the  engineer. 

16 


AFTER   DINNER    STORIES 


WHAT  THE  "GRIP"  IS 

Asked  what  made  him  look  so  ill,  an  Irishman  replied,  "  Faith, 
I  had  the  grip  last  winter."  To  draw  him  out  the  questioner 
asked  "  What  is  the  grip,  Patrick  ?" 

"The  grip!  "  he  says.  "Don't  you  know  what  the  grip 
is?  It's  a  disease  that  makes  you  sick  six  months  after  you 
get  well." 


DEATH  PREFERRED 
A  Hebrew  falls  into  a  river  and  is  swimming  ashore,  when 
an  Irishman  shouts  at  him,  "  Don't  you  know  there  is  a  $  50 
fine  for  swimming  here?"     The  Hebrew  says  "I  vont  pay 
it,"  puts  up  his  hands  and  sinks. 


NO  SUBSTITUTE  NEEDED 
Someone  asked  the  Kentucky  Colonel  if  there  was  any  cure 
for  a  snake  bite  except  whiskey.     "  Who  the  h —  cares  whether 
there  is  or  not ! "  said  the  Colonel. 


THE  LITTLE  BOY  AND  THE  TARTS 
A  small  boy  stood  in  front  of  the  bakery  gazing  wistfully  at 

the  array  of  tarts  displayed  in  the  window.     He  had  pretty 

golden  curls  and  an  innocent  face  that  appealed  to  the  passers- 

by.^ 

"  Would  you  like  onp  of  those  tarts  ?  "  asked  an  old  lady 

who  approached. 

"  Would  I  like  one  of  them  tarts  ?  "  was  the  reply.     "  Hell, 

would  I  like  forty  of  'em." 

16 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


"GOT  HIMDAR" 

There  is  an  old  negro  in  Austin,  who  claims  to  have  studied 
"  flosify  outen  a  book."  He  propounds  uncinswerable  questions 
to  the  lawyers  whose  rooms  he  cleans,  cind  he  discusses  "  pints 
o'  law  ' '  with  the  justice  of  the  peace  of  his  precinct.  Yester- 
day he  went  into  the  justice  court  and  said  :  "  Jedge,  kin  I  get 
a  'dictment  writ  agin  dat  wuffless  nigger,  Pete  ?  " 

"  What's  he  been  doing  ?  " 

"  He's  a  procrastimator.     He's  bin  a  procrastimatin',  sah  1  " 

"  Procastinating  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sah,  dat's  what  he's  been  doin'  fur  a  fac'." 

"  But  there's  no  law  against  that." 

*'  No  law  agin  procrastimation  ?     Den  what's  de  law  fur  ? 
Ain't  procrastimation  de  thief  ob  time  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  I  believe  it  has  been  so  stated." 

"  Well,  den,  ain't  Pete  a  thief  ?  " 

"  Yes,  you  might  so  construe  it,  but  you  czmnot  convict  a 
mcin  for  steeJin'  time." 

"  No,  but,  when  we  hab  got  de  proof  on  him  fur  steaJin' 
money,  fur  don't  flossify  say  dat  time  am  money  ?  Got  yer 
dar,  jedge." 

And,  while  the  judge  and  the  lawyers  groaned,  the  old  man 
went  out  chuckling  to  himself :  "  Got  him  dar.  Got  de  jedge 
dis  time  suah  yer  a  foot  high." 


"  How  many  of  yese  is  down  there  ?  "  yelled  the  quarry  boss 
from  the  top  of  the  quarry  to  the  workmen  below.  The  ans- 
wer came  back,  "  Three."  The  boss  replied,  "  half  of  yese 
come  right  up." 


17 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


NOT  A  NEW  BOOK 
Mark  Twain  as  a  humorist  is  no  respecter  of  persons,  and  a 
story  is  told  of  him  and  Bishop  Doane  which  is  worth  repeat- 
ing. It  occurred  when  Mark  Twain  was  living  in  Hartford, 
where  Mr.  Doane  was  then  rector  of  an  Episcopal  church. 
Twciin  had  listened  to  one  of  the  doctor's  best  sermons,  on  Sun- 
day morning,  when  he  approached  him  and  said  politely :  "  I 
have  enjoyed  your  sermon  this  morning.  I  welcomed  it  as  I 
would  an  old  friend.  I  have  a  book  in  my  library  that  contains 
every  wordof  it."  "  Impossible,  sir,"  replied  the  rector,  indig- 
nantly. "  Not  at  all.  I  assure  you  it  is  true,"  said  Twain.  "  Then 
I  shall  trouble  you  to  send  me  that  book,"  rejoined  the  rector 
with  dignity.  The  next  morning  Dr.  Doane  received,  with 
Mark  Twain's  compliments,  a  dictionary. 


THE  UNSOLVED  PROBLEM 

Frank  R.  Stockton  was  once  invited  to  dinner  by  an  artful 
hostess,  who  had  the  ices  served  in  the  form  of  a  lady  and  a 
tiger. 

"  Now  which  ?  "  she  coolly  asked  when  they  came  on. 

"  Both,  if  you  please,"  he  said. 


STARTLING  SIGNIFICANCE 
"Try  These  on  Your  Piano." 
This  sign  was  all  right,  and  placed  over  the  sheet  music  it 
would  have  been  quite  the  thing. 

Through  some  error,  however,  the  window  dresser  had  hung 
it  ova:  a  display  of  large-sized  ladies'  hosiery. 

18 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


HEAR  HIM  RAVE 
Casey  was  dying  cind  sent  for  a  lawyer  to  make  his  will. 
His  wife  was  in  the  room  cind  the  following  conversation  ensued: 
"  State  yours  affairs  briefly,"  said  the  lawyer. 
"  Timothy  Brown  owes  me  fifty  dollars." 
"  Good,"  said  the  prosf>ective  widow,  "  sensible  to  the  last." 
"  John  Casey  owes  me  thirty-seven  dollars." 
"  Sensible  to  the  last,"  put  in  the  old  lady  again. 
"  To  Michael  Kelly  I  owe  three  hundred  dollars." 
"  Ah,  "said  the  old  woman,  "  hear  him  rave." 


NOT  A   COMPLAINT  AT  ALL 
The  good  priest  had  come  to  his  pcirishioner  after  the  funeral 

of  the  latter's  mother-in-law  to  express  condolences. 

"And  what  complaint  was  it,  Pat,"  he  asked  sympathetically, 

"that  carried  the  old  lady  off?" 

"Kumplaint,  did'yi  ask,  father?"  answered  Pat.  "Thir  wuz  no 

kumplaint  from  nobody.  Every-body  wuz  satisfied." 


QUESTION  IN  GRAMMAR. 

One  of  the  Board  of  Education,  going  his  rounds  as  an  ama- 
teur, put  the  following  question  to  a  scholar  in  a  country  school. 

"  How  do  you  parse,  *  Mary  milked  the  cow  ?'  " 

Pupil  —  "  Cow  is  a  noun,  feminine  gender,  singular  number, 
third  person,  and  stands  for  Mary." 

"  Stands  for  Mary  !  "  exclaimed  he  of  the  Board  ;  "  how  do 
you  make  that  out  ?  " 

"  Because,  "  replied  the  intelligent  pupil,  "  if  the  cow  didn't 
stand  for  Mary,  how  could  Mary  milk  her  ?  " 

19 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


NEARLY  WON  THE  BET. 

Pat  bet  Mike  he  could  carry  a  hod  of  bricks  to  the  top  of  a 
50  foot  building  with  Mike  sitting  on  the  hod.  When  near 
the  top  Pat  made  a  misstep  and  nearly  dropped  Mike  to  the 
stone  sidewalk.  Arriving  at  the  top,  Pat  said :  "Begorra,  I've 
won  the  bet." 

"  Yer  have,"  said  Mike,  "but  whin  ye  shlipped,  I  thought  I 
had  ye." 


IF  AT  FIRST  YOU  DONT  SUCCEED 
At  a  camp-meeting  lately,  a  venerable  sister  began  the  hymn: 
"My  soul  be  on  thy  guard ;   ten  thousand  foes  arise."    She  be- 
gan too  high.     "Ten  thousand,"  she  screeched  and  stopped. 
"Start  her  at  five  thousand!"  cried  a  converted  stock  broker 
present. 

ONE  VOTE  LOST 

A  colored  citizen  was  up  before  his  honor  on  complaint  of 
his  wife  for  some  domestic  trouble. 

Judge  :  "  Who  married  you  ?  " 

Colored  Citizen :  "  You  did,  sah,  but  I  ain't  never  voted 
fur  you,  sence." 

Two  Jews  (in  a  street  car).  First  Jew :  "  I  vill  nefer  go  py 
Far  Rockaway  agen  for  de  summer.  Nodding  but  Irish  every- 
where." 

Second  Jew  :  "  It's  de  same  at  Saratoga,  Abbey,  it's  alive 
mit  Irish.     I  vish  I  could  go  vere  dere  vas  no  Irish." 

Mrs.  Clancy  (on  the  opposite  seat):  "  Yez  can  both  go  to 
h — 1,  y'll  find  no  Irish  there." 

20 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


A  DREAM 

Dreams  sometimes  come  true.  It  depends  entirely  on  how 
you  interpret  them.  A  man  who  has  just  returned  from  the 
West  has  a  story  which  savors  of  peculiar  hard  luck.  A  friend 
in  Chicago  dreamed  about  hats.  Everything  in  the  dream  was 
hats,  and  a  soft  hat  predominated.  Next  day  he  told  a  hat 
salesman  about  the  dream.  "Just  the  thing,"  said  the  sales- 
man, who  knew  a  thing  or  two.  "  There's  a  horse  called 
Sombrero  running  today  at  the  track.  You  have  a  straight  tip.' ' 
That  afternoon  the  dreamer  and  his  friend  pooled  issues  and 
put  $50  on  Sombrero  to  win  at  a  hundred  to  one.  The  race 
started.  At  the  quarter  Sombrero  led  by  two  lengths.  At  the 
half  the  lead  was  maintained,  and  when  the  three-quarter  post 
was  reached  Sombrero  was  a  sure  winner.  Down  the  stretch 
went  the  horses,  and  at  the  post  a  horse  that  had  not  been  one- 
two-three  went  first  under  the  wire — Fedora. 


LIFE  INSURANCE? 

It  was  agreed  between  two  Jews  that  whichever  died  first 
was  to  have  $5,000  put  in  his  coffin  by  the  other.  Epstein 
died  and  Cohen  put  in  a  check. 


ACCIDENTS  WILL  HAPPEN 

A  barber  shaving  a  thin-faced  man  put  his  finger  into  the 
man's  mouth  to  push  out  the  hollow  of  his  cheek.  The  razor 
slipped  and  cut  through  the  man's  face.  "  Damn  your  lantern 
jaws,"  said  he.     "  I've  cut  my  finger." 

21 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


AN  OLD  ANIMAL 

Farmer  Haystack :  "  Wall,  dum  my  buttons  if  that  ain't 
the  wust  lookin'  critter  I  ever  sot  eyes  on !  I  swow,  I  won't 
hev  such  a  lukin*  horse  on  the  place,  Hiram." 

Hiram  :  "Well,  father,  I  give  $  1 6  for  him,  and  it's  a  better 
lookin'  horse  than  our  Savior  had  w^hen  he  rode  through  the 
streets  of  Jerusalem." 

Farmer  Haystack — Solemnly  (after  looking  the  animal  over 
critically):     "  Hiram,  it's  the  same  horse." 


A  CASE  OF  A  SUBSTITUTE 

"Suppose  you  let  me  have  some  poached  eggs,  George," 
said  a  careful  traveler  to  the  w^aiter  at  a  doubtful  hotel. 

"They're  always  safe,"  thought  the  traveler  as  the  waiter 
went  into  the  kitchen.  And  then  he  heard  the  breaking 
of  an  egg :  a  second  egg :  two  more  eggs ;  and  at  the  sound 
of  the  breaking  of  egg  after  egg  he  began  to  wonder. 

Finally  the  waiter  appeared,  "  Say,  boss,"  he  said,  "  how 
would  an  omelet  do,  instead  ?  " 


WHY  THE  PRICE  WAS  DIFFERENT 
Young  housekeeper  (timidly) :  "Isn't  fourteen  cents  rather 
high  for  turkey  ?     I  am  quite  sure  the  price  across  the  way  is 
only  thirteen." 

Butcher :  "  With  the  feet  on  ?  " 

Young  housekeeper:  "  No,  1  think  the  feet  are  cut  off." 
Butcher  (v^th  a  superior  smile):  "I  thought  so.     When  we 
sell  a  turkey  ma'm,  we  sell  it  feet  and  all.  " 

22 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


PAT'S  REASON 

There  was  once  an  Irishman,  who  sought  employment  as  a 
diver,  bringing  with  him  his  native  enthusiasm  and  a  certain 
amount  of  experience.  Although  he  had  never  been  beneath 
the  water,  he  had  crossed  an  oceain  of  one  variety  and  swal- 
lowed nearly  an  ocean  of  another.  But  he  had  the  Hibernian 
smile,  which  is  convincing,  and  the  firm  chcinced  to  need  a  new 
mam.  And  so  on  the  following  Monday  moming  Pat  hid  his 
smile  for  the  first  time  in  a  diving  helmet. 

Now,  the  job  upon  which  the  crew  to  which  Pat  had  attached 
himself  was  working  in  comparatively  shallow  water,  and  Pat 
Wcis  provided  vydth  a  pick  and  told  to  use  it  on  a  ledge  below 
in  a  manner  with  which  he  was  already  familiar. 

Down  he  went  with  his  pick,  and  for  about  fifteen  minutes 
nothing  was  heard  from  him.  Then  came  a  strong,  determined, 
deliberate  pull  on  the  signal  rope,  indicating  that  Pat  had  a  very 
decided  wash  to  come  to  the  top.  The  assistants  pulled  him 
hastily  to  the  reift  and  removed  his  helmet. 

"  Take  off  the  rest  of  it,"  said  Pat. 

"  Take  of  the  rest  it  ?  " 

"  Yis "  said  Pat,  "  Oi'll  worruk  no  longer  in  a  dark  place 
where  Oi  can't  spit  on  me  hands." 


PERFECT  WIT  AND  GRACE 

Perhaps  the  wittiest  and  most  graceful  tribute  ever  spoken 
by  a  man  of  his  wife  was  said  by  Joseph  H.  Choate. 

Some  one  asked  him :  "  Mr.  Choate,  if  you  could  not  be 
yourself,  whom  would  you  rather  be  ?  " 

Instantly  came  the  reply :  "  Mrs.  Choate's  second  husband." 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


HE  PUT  HIM  OFF,  ALL  RIGHT 

"  Now,  see  here,  porter,"  said  he  briskly,  "  I  want  you  to 
put  me  off  at  Syracuse.  You  know  we  get  in  there  about  six 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  I  may  oversleep  myself.  But  it  is 
important  that  I  should  get  out.  Here's  a  five-dollar  gold  piece. 
Now,  I  may  walce  up  hard.  Don't  mind  if  I  kick.  Pay  no 
attention  if  I'm  ugly.  I  want  you  to  put  me  off  the  train  no 
matter  how  hard  I  fight.     Understand  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sah,"  answered  the  sturdy  Nubian.  "  It  shaD  be  did, 
sah ! " 

The  next  morning  the  coin-giver  was  awakened  by  a  stento- 
rieui  voice  calling :  "  Rochester !  " 

"Rochester!"  he  exclaimed,  sitting  up.  "Where's  that 
porter  ?  " 

Hastily  slipping  on  his  trousers,  he  went  in  search  of  the 
negro,  and  found  him  in  the  porter's  closet,  huddled  up,  with  his 
head  in  a  bandage,  his  clothes  torn,  and  his  arm  in  a  sling. 

"  Well,"  says  the  drummer,  "  you  are  a  sight.  Why  didn't 
you  put  me  off  at  Syracuse  ?  " 

"  Wh-at ! "  gasped  the  porter,  jumping  up,  as  his  eyes  bulged 
from  his  head.  "  Was  you  de  gemman  dat  giv  me  a 
five-dollah  gold  piece  ?  " 

"  Of  course  I  was,  you  idiot !  " 

"  Well,  den,  befoah  de  Lawd,  who  was  dat  gemman  I  put 
off  at  Syracuse  ?  " 


A  REASONABLE  REQUEST 
Dr.  Jones :  "  My  mission  is  saving  girls." 
Old  Sport :  "  Save  a  couple  for  me.  Parson." 

24 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


THE  HONEST  MAN 

"  Is  it  true,"  asked  the  interviewer,  "  that  when  you  first 
caune  to  this  country  you  worked  in  your  shirt  sleeves  for  a 
living  ?  " 

"  It  is  not,"  replied  the  successful  public  man,  indignantly. 

"Ah !  No — offence — I — hope—" 

"  When  I  came  here,"  continued  the  successful  man, "  I  didn't 
have  a  shirt." 


HE  RAN  A  RISK 
There  was  once  a  tyrannical  old  king  who  paid  $50  to 
every  barber  who  gave  him  a  good  shave,  but  if  he  drew  a 
drop  of  blood  on  him,  he  had  him  killed.  One  day  he  em- 
ployed a  new  barber,  who  gave  him  a  swell  shave  and  got  the 
$50.  "  Were  you  nervous  for  fear  you'd  cut  me?"  asked  the 
the  king.  "No,"  said  the  barber,  "if  I'd  drawn  a  drop  of 
blood  on  you,  I  calculated  to  cut  your throat.  " 


UNFAMILIAR  RECREATION 

Rosenberg  was  induced  to  mount  a  saddle  horse  for  a  ride. 
He  couldn't  think  of  what  to  say  to  the  horse  to  start  him. 
Finally,  he  said  :  "  Well,  commence ! " 


BEYOND   SUFFERING 
Patrick  cut  a  chicken's  head  off  and  put  the  fowl  on  the 
floor.     It  commenced  to  flop  around,  but  Patrick  explained  the 
matter  by  saying  :     "  It's  dead.     But  it  don't  realize  it." 

25 


S 


AFTER    DINNER    STORlES 


EXCHANGE   OF  COMPUMENTS 

When  Senator  Bailey  and  Senator  Tillman  were  having  their 
discussion  over  paternalism  in  the  govemment.SenatorTillman  said: 

"  I  live  in  the  country,  and  I  have  always  lived  in  the  country, 
eind  I  know  more  about  farmers  than  the  Senator  does." 

"  Ah,  yes,"  said  Senator  Bailey  suavely ;  "  I  do  not  think 
there  is  anything  the  Senator  from  South  Carolina  does  not 
know  more  about  than  any  other  Senator,  if  we  take  his  own 
opinion  on  that  point" 

"  I  beg  to  tell  my  friend  that  a  great  many  South  Carolinian 
have  gone  to  Texas,"  Senator  Tillman  said  to  Senator  Bailey. 

"  Yes,  and  we  have  put  some  of  them  in  the  penitentiary, 
too,"  replied  Senator  Beiiley. 

HE  KNEW 

"  Children,  we  will  now  have  zm  example  in  division.  Tom- 
my Tiggley,  if  your  father  brought  home  $  1 0  to  divide  with 
your  mother,  what  would  she  get  ?  " 

"  Ten  dollars." 

"  Tommy,  you  don't  know  your  lesson." 

"  No,  ma'am,  but  I  know  my  mother." 


AN  ANECDOTE 
"  What  is  an  anecdote,  Johnny  ?  "  asked  the  teacher.  "  A 
short,  funny  tale,"  answered  the  little  fellow.  "  That's  right,' 
said  the  teacher.  "  Now,  Johnny,  you  may  write  a  sentence 
on  the  blackboard  containing  the  word."  Johnny  hesitated  a 
moment  and  then  wrote  this :     "  A  rabbit  had  four  legs  and  one 

anecdote." 

26 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


COHEN  AT  THE  SEASHORE 

Levi  Cohen  went  to  Rockaway  beach  for  the  salt  water 
bathing.  He  decided  he  wouldn't  plunge  into  the  surf  for  a  few 
days  so  he  walked  down  to  the  beach  with  a  bucket  and  asked 
the  man  who  had  charge  of  the  life-boat  what  it  would  cost  for 
a  little  salt  water  so  he  could  take  a  sponge  bath  in  the  bath 
house.  The  man  sized  Cohen  up  for  an  easy  mark  and  told 
him  25  cents  a  pciil.  Cohen  pciid  the  quaurter  and  started  off 
with  the  bucket  of  water.  The  next  morning  he  agciin  ap- 
peared on  the  beach,  bucket  in  hamd.  The  tide  was  out  about 
700  feet.  Cohen  turned  to  the  man  and  said :  "  Vat  a  biz- 
ziness  you  are  doing." 


PIERPONT   PATRICK 

Pat  had  come  over  from  the  "  ould  counthry"  to  make  his 
fortune,  as  so  mciny  of  his  compatriots  have  done  before  him. 
He  had  read  all  about  Dick  Whittington,  Camegie,  P.  Mor- 
gan, emd  others,  who  had  climbed  the  ladders  to  fame  emd 
wealth  from  the  bottom  round,  and  had  set  his  heart  on  doing 
likewise.  Still,  he  was  not  too  ambitious.  Two  thousauid  dol- 
lars wais  the  sum  he  fixed  upon  as  the  summit  of  his  aspirations. 

Therefore,  after  having  been  told  that  he  could  "  start"  on  a 
job  the  following  Monday  morning  as  a  hodmeui,  he  mused 
somewhat  cis  follows : 

"  There's  two  ways  of  doin'  it  if  I'd  loike  to  see  me  two 
thousand  dollars.  I  must  lay  by  two  hundred  dollars  a  year  for 
ten  years,  or  I  must  put  away  twenty  dollars  a  year  for  wan 
hundred  years  !     Now,  which  shall  I  do  ?  " 

27 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


ONE  OF  JOHN  L'S 

The  veteran  John  L.  Sullivan  was  the  centre  of  an  admiring 
group  in  the  cafe  of  the  Hotel  Cecil  the  other  evening,  and 
members  of  his  party  and  others  in  the  cafe  grew^  reminiscent  of 
the  big  fellovv^'s  former  day  of  glory.  One  of  the  tales  recalled 
concerning  John  L.  has,  since  its  first  telling,  years  ago,  done 
duty  in  many  connections,  but  an  old-timer  vouches  for  its  origin 
as  genuine.  Many  years  ago,  when  John  L.  was  flush  with 
money,  he  was  approached  by  an  acquaintance  who  was  trying 
to  raise  money  for  the  burial  expenses  of  a  policeman  who  had 
just  died.  He  timidly  asked  the  big  fellow  for  $2.  "  What  ?  " 
said  Mr.  Sullivan.  "  Two  dollars  to  bury  a  cop  ?  Here's  $  1 0; 
bury  five  of  'em." 

TRYING  HIS  LUCK 
"  Did  you  say  your  prayers  last  night,  Willie  ?  " 
"  No,  and  I  didn't  say  'em  the  night  before  and  I  ain't  agoin' 

to  say  *em  to-night  and  then  if  there  don't  anything  get  me,  1 

ain't  ever  goin'  to  say  'em," 

A  CLEVER   YOUNGSTER 
Godinski :  "  Ikey,  my  son,  take  this  letter  to  the  post-office, 
buy  a  two  cent  stamp  and  mail  it."     (In  ten  minutes  Ikey  re- 
turns.) 

Godinski :  "  Did  you  mail  de  letter,  Ikey  ?  " 
Ikey :  "  Certainly,  but  I  saved  the  two  cents.     I  saw  a  lot  of 
people  drop  letters  into  a  box,  so  I  vatched  my  chance  ven  no 

one  was  looking  euid  drapped  mine  in,  too." 

28 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


PROTECTING  A  BRIDE  AND   GROOM 

A  bride  and  groom  had  been  much  troubled  by  the  stares 
of  people  at  hotels  wherever  they  went.  So  when  they  ar- 
rived at  the  next  hotel  the  groom  called  the  colored  head- Wciiter. 

"  Now,  George,"  he  said,  "  we  have  been  bothered  to  death 
by  people  steiring  at  us  because  we  are  just  married.  We  want 
to  be  free  from  that  sort  of  thing  here.  Now,  here's  two  dol- 
lars, and  remember  I  trust  you  not  to  teU  people  that  we  are 
just  married,  if  they  cisk  you.     Understcind  ?  " 

"  Ycis,  Scih !  "  said  George  ;  "  I  un'stand." 

All  went  well  that  day.  But  the  following  morning  when  the 
couple  came  down  to  breakfast  the  staring  was  worse  than  ever. 
Chambermaiids  in  the  hcills  snickered  ;  the  clerks  behind  the 
desk  nudged  each  other ;  everybody  in  the  dining-room  stared. 
When  the  couple  returned  to  their  room  it  was  only  to  see  a 
head  sticking  out  of  nearly  every  room  dovm  the  long  hcJl. 

This  was  too  much.     This  was  the  limit ! 

Angered  beyond  control,  the  groom  went  to  the  desk  and 
called  for  the  head-waiter. 

"Look  here,  you  old  fool,"  said  the  groom,"didn't  I  give  you  two 
dollars  to  protect  my  wdfe  zuid  myself  from  this  staring  business?" 

"  Yas.sah,  you  did,"said  George."'Pon  me  soul.I  didn't  tell,  sah." 

"Then  how  about  this  staring  ?"  asked  the  irate  groom.  "  It's 
worse  here  thein  anywhere.  Did  anybody  ask  if  we  were  married?" 

"  Yas,  sah ;  several  folks  did,"  replied  George. 

"  Well,  what  did  you  tell  them  ?  " 

"I  tola  'em,  sah,"  replied  the  honest  negro,  "you  wuzn't 
married  at  all." 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


MARK  TWAIN  AND  WHISTLER 

A  friend  of  Mark  Twain's  tells  of  an  amusing  incident  m  con- 
nection with  the  first  meeting  between  the  humorist  and  the  late 
James  McNeill  Whistler,  the  artist. 

The  friend  having  facetiously  warned  Clemens  that  the  painter 
was  a  confirmed  joker,  Mark  solemnly  averred  that  he  would 
get  the  better  of  Whistler  should  the  latter  attempt  "  any  funny 
business,"  Furthermore,  Twain  determined  to  anticipate 
Whistler,  if  possible. 

So,  when  the  two  had  been  introduced,  which  event  look 
place  in  Whistler's  studio,  Clemens  assuming  an  air  of  hopeless 
stupidity,  approached  a  just-completed  painting,  and  said : 

"  Not  at  all  bad,  Mr.  Whistler,  not  at  all  bad.  Only,"  he 
added,  reflectively,  with  a  motion  as  if  to  rub  out  a  cloud  effect, 
"  if  I  were  you  I'd  do  away  with  that  cloud." 

"  Great  Heavens,  sir ! "  exclaimed  Whistler,  almost  beside 
himself.  "  Do  be  careful  not  to  touch  that ;  the  paint  is  not  yet 
dry!" 

"  Oh,  I  don't  mind  that,"  responded  Twain,  with  an  air  of 
perfect  nonchalance ;  "  I  am  wearing  gloves,  you  see." 

NOT  USED  TO  SIMILIES 

One  day  a  teacher  in  a  kindergarten  school  in  New  York, 
preparatory  to  giving  out  an  exercise  said,  "  Now  children  I 
want  you  all  to  be  very  quiet,  so  quiet  that  you  could  hear  a 
pin  drop."  Everything  had  quieted  down  nicely  and  the  teacher 
was  about  to  speak  when  a  little  voice  in  the  rear  of  the  room 
said,  "  Go  ahead  teacher  and  let  her  drop." 

30 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


A  CLERGYMAN'S  STARTLING  NOTICE 
A  dergyman  was  very  anxious  to  introduce  some  hymn- 
books  into  the  church,  and  arranged  with  his  clerk  that  the  lat- 
ter was  to  give  out  the  notice  immediately  eifter  the  sermon. 
The  clerk,  however,  had  a  notice  of  his  own  to  give  out  with 
reference  to  the  baptism  of  infants.  Accordingly,  at  the  close 
of  the  sermon  he  arose  and  announced  that  "All  those  who  have 
children  whom  they  wish  to  have  baptized  please  send  in  their 
names  at  once  to  the  clerk."  The  clergyman,  who  was  stone 
deaf,  assumed  that  the  clerk  was  giving  out  the  hymn-book 
notice,  and  immediately  arose  and  said  :  "  And  I  should  say 
for  the  benefit  of  those  who  haven't  any,  that  they  may  obtain 
some  from  the  ushers  any  day  from  three  to  four  o'clock ;  the 
ordinary  little  ones  at  one  shilling  each,  and  special  ones  at  one 
shilling  and  fourpence." 

THE  ONLY  WAY 

Representative  Cowherd,  of  Missouri,  has  a  friend  in  Kansas 
City,  a  clerk  of  the  court,  who  recently  recounted  to  the  Con- 
gressman his  experience  v^th  a  woman  who  made  numerous 
calls  upon  him,  in  company  with  a  man  always  in  a  state  of 
extreme  intoxication.  The  purpose  of  this  woman's  visits  was 
to  secure  a  marriage  license  to  the  end  that  the  two  might  be 
united.     Of  course,  the  clerk  each  time  refused  the  request. 

The  last  time  the  woman  appeared,  as  usual  leading  in  her 
drunken  friend,  the  clerk,  in  a  tone  of  great  impatience,  said : 

"  My  dear  woman,  why  do  you  always  bring  this  man  here 
to  get  a  marriage  license  when  he  is  drunk  ?  " 

"  Because  I  can  never  get  him  to  come  along  when  he's 

sober,"  responded  the  woman. 

31 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


LOT'S  WIFE  OUTDONE 

TTie  ingenuity  Pat  displays  in  executing  skilful  "flank  move- 
ments" from  the  sublime  to  the  ridiculous  was  splendidly  illus- 
trated the  other  day  by  a  rollicking  son  of  Erin.  A  street 
preacher  was  holding  forth  to  a  gaping  crowd  on  the  terrible 
fate  of  Lot's  wife — how  that  this  woman,  the  wife  of  Lot,  had 
looked  around,  and  in  a  moment  turned  into  a  pillar  of  salt. 
"  Was  it  not  wonderful  ?  "  he  exclaimed.  "  Was  it  not  won- 
derful?" 

"  Ach,  shure  an'  begorra, "  cried  Pat  from  the  outskirts  of  the 
crowd,  "  I  know  a  far  more  wonderful  wuman  than  that ! " 

"  You  what ! "  exclaimed  the  preacher  aghast. 

"  Why,  there's  Bridget  Malone,"  Pat  rattled  on  ;  "  she  was 
walkin*  down  the  street  t'other  day,  an'  she  looked  round  an' 
round,  an'  then  all  at  wanst  she  turned  into  a  saloon ! " 


VICTOR  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES 
A  western  wit  described  his  battle  with  a  rival  editor  at  San 
Diego  in  the  early  days  thus — "  We  held  him  down  above  us 
by  means  of  our  nose,  which  we  had  skilfully  inserted  between 
his  teeth  for  that  purpose." 


EASY  IDENTIFICATION 
"  Where's  your  father,  boy  ?  "  asked  a  stranger  of  a  country 
boy. 

"  Wall,"  replied  the  boy,  "  he's  down  way  at  the  end  of  the 
field,  thar  vsath  the  hogs.  You'll  know  father  'cause  he's  got  a 
hat  on." 

33 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


A  WIFE'S  READY  WIT 

A  popular  clergyman,  says  a  story  in  the"  St.  Louis  Republic," 
saw  a  lady  about  to  call,  whom  he  was  anxious  not  to  meet. 
So  he  said  to  his  wife,  "  I'll  run  upstairs,  my  dear,  and 
escape  till  she  goes  away." 

After  about  an  hour  he  quietly  tiptoed  to  the  stair  landing 
and  listened.  All  was  quiet  below.  Reassured,  he  began  to 
descend,  and  called  out  over  the  balustrade  : 

"  Well,  my  dear,  you  got  rid  of  that  old  bore  at  last  ?  " 

The  next  instant  a  voice  from  below  rooted  him  to  the  spot. 
It  was  the  voice  of  the  caller !  Then  came  a  response  which 
sounded  inexpressibly  sweet  to  him.  It  was  the  voice  of  his 
wife : 

"  Yes,  dear,  she  went  away  over  an  hour  ago ;  but  here  is 
our  good  friend  Mrs.  Blank,  whom  I  am  sure  you  want  to 
meet." 

WHEN  BENJAMIN~FRANKLIN  SCORED 

Long  after  the  victories  of  Washington  over  the  French  and 
English  had  made  his  name  familiar  to  all  Europe,  Benjamin 
Franklin  chanced  to  dine  with  the  Ejiglish  and  French  Am- 
bassadors, when  the  following  toasts  were  drunk  : 

"  '  England  * — The  Sun,  whose  bright  beams  enlighten  and 
fructify  the  remotest  corners  of  the  earth." 

The  French  Ambassador,  filled  with  national  pride,  but  too 
polite  to  dispute  the  previous  toast,  offered  the  foUovmg : 

" '  France' — The  Moon,  whose  mild,  steady  and  cheering 
rays  are  the  delight  of  all  nations,  consoling  them  in  darkness 
and  making  their  dreariness  beautiful." 

33 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


Doctor  Franklin  then  arose,    and,  with  his  usual  dignified 
simplicity,  said : 

George  Washington' — The  Joshua  who  commcinded  the 
Sun  and  Moon  to  stand  still,  and  they  obeyed  him." 


THE  THINNEST  IN  STOCK 

The  superintendent  in  oue  of  the  largest  dry  goods  stores  in 
Providence,  R.  I.  tells  the  following  story : 

A  gentlemcin  went  into  the  store  to  buy  some  hosiery  for  his 
wife.  Approaching  a  floor- walker  he  said,  "  I  want  to  see  the 
thinnest  thing  you  have  in  ladies'  hosiery."     "  Let  me  introduce 

you  to  Miss  B ,"  said  the  facetious  floor-wzJker  as  a  coy 

maiden  of  fifty  approached  with  mincing  step. 


MOTHERS'  EXCUSES  TO  TEACHERS 
Miss  Brown :     You  must  stop  teach  my  Lizzie  fisical  torture 
she  needs  yet  readin'  an'  figors  mit  sums  more  as  that,  if  I  want 
her  to  do  jumpin'  I  kin  make  her  jump. 

Mrs.  Canavowsky. 
£>gar  Teacher:     Pleas  excus  Fritz  for  staying  home  he 
had  der  meesells  to  oblige  his  father.  J.  B. 

Dear  Miss  Teacher:  Please  excuse  Rachael  for  being 
away  those  two  days  her  grandmother  died  to  oblige  her 
mother.  Mrs.  Renski. 

Miss .'  Frank  could  not  come  these  three  week  be- 
cause he  had  the  amonia  eind  information  of  the  vowels. 

Mis.  Smith. 

Miss .•     Please  let  Willie  home  at  2  o'clock.     I  take 

him  out  for  a  little  pleasure  to  see  his  grandfather's  grave. 

Mrs.  R. 
34 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


HIGH  AND  OF  GOOD  VALUE 
A  somewhat  green  young  fellow  had  been  put  on  the  ladies' 
hosiery  counter  during  the  noon  hour.  A  well  dressed  lady 
stepped  up  to  the  counter  and  asked  to  be  shown  some  hosiery. 
The  clerk  showed  a  new  brand.  "  How  much  ?  "  said  the  cus- 
tomer. "One  dollar"  replied  the  clerk.  "They  come  too 
high"  said  the  lady.  "  But,"  said  the  clerk,  wishing  to  do  his 
best,  "  you  are  a  tcill  woman." 


A  CLEVER  BIRD 
One  day  while  the  minister  was  ceJling  on  a  certain  gentle- 
man, the  gentleman's  parrot  began  to  swear.  He  threw  a 
bucket  of  water  over  her.  She  shook  herself,  noticed  the 
minister  was  not  wet  cind  said  to  him :  "  Where  the  h — 1  were 
you  when  the  cyclone  struck  us  ?  " 


ALL  FOR  APIECE  OF  BACON 
A  Hebrew  went  into  a  restaurant  to  get  his  dinner.  He 
was  tempted  to  order  bacon.  He  believed  that  if  there  was 
anything  that  made  Jehovah  angry  it  was  to  see  somebody  eat- 
ing bacon  ;  but  he  thought,  "  Maybe  He  is  too  busy  watching 
sparrows  and  counting  hairs  to  notice  me;  "  so  he  took  a  slice. 
The  weather  was  delightful  when  he  went  into  the  restaurant, 
but  when  he  came  out  the  sky  was  overcast,  the  lightning  leaped 
from  cloud  to  cloud,  the  earth  trembled,  and  it  was  dark.  He 
went  back  into  the  restaurant  trembling  with  fear,  and,  leaning 
over  the  counter,  said  to  the  clerk,  "  Say,  did  you  ever  hear  such 
a  fuss  about  a  little  piece  of  bacon  !  " 

35 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


THE  BEST  ADVICE 

The  following  story  is  told  of  a  well-known  advocate. 
When  General  B.  was  a  young  barrister,  a  man  was  arraigned 
for  murder,  and  had  no  counsel. 

"  Mr.  B.,  "  said  the  judge,  "  take  the  prisoner  into  that  room 
at  the  back  of  the  court,  hear  his  story,  and  give  him  the  best 
advice  you  can." 

Accordingly  B.  disappeared  with  the  prisoner,  and  in  half  an 
hour's  time  returned  into  court — alone. 

"  Where  is  the  prisoner  ?  "  asked  the  judge. 

"  Waal,"  replied  B.,  slowly,  "  I  heard  his  story  and  then  I 
gave  him  the  best  advice  I  could.  I  said :  '  Prisoner,  if  I  were 
you,  I'd  get  out  of  that  window  and  make  tracks.'  He  slid 
down  the  water  pipe,  and  the  last  I  saw  of  him  he  was  getting 
over  a  stone  fence  half  a  mile  away." 


COULD   HARDLY  HAVE  BEEN  ONE 

A  man,  while  wandering  in  the  village  cemetery,  saw  a  mon- 
ument and  read  with  surprise  the  inscription  on  it : 

"  A  Lawyer  and  an  Honest  Man." 

The  man  scratched  his  head  and  looked  at  the  monument 
again.  He  read  the  inscription  over  and  over.  Then  he 
walked  all  around  the  monument  and  examined  the  grave  closely. 
Another  man  in  the  cemetery  approached  and  asked  him : 
"  Have  you  found  the  grave  of  an  old  friend  ?  " 
■'  No,"  said  the  first  man,  "but  I  was  wondering  how  they 
came  to  bury  those  two  fellows  in  the  one  grave." 

36 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


COULDN'T  FOOL  TIM 

A  priest  announced  that  a  collection  would  be  taken  up  to 
defray  the  cost  of  coal  for  heating  the  church. 

Everybody  contributed  but  Tim ,  who  gave  a  sly  wink 

as  the  plate  was  presented  to  him.  The  priest,  after  ser- 
vice, took  his  parishioner  to  task. 

"  Now,  Tim, "  he  said,  "  why  didn't  you  give  something,  if  it 
was  but  little  ?  " 

"  Faith,  I'm  on  to  yez!  "  said  Tim. 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Oh,  nothing.     Just  that  I'm  on  to  yez ;  that's  all." 

"  Tim,  your  words  are  disrespectful.     What  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"Oh,  faith,  father,  a-thrying  to  pull  the  wool  over  me  eyes, 
a-thrying  to  make  us  believe  yez  wants  the  money  to  buy  coal 
to  heat  the  church,  'an  yer  reverence  knows  it's  heated  by 
steam ! " 


A  CHANGE  OF  LOCATION 

Two  Irishmen  who  had  just  landed  in  this  country,  had  taken 
rooms  in  one  of  the  down-town  lodging-houses  in  New  York. 
In  the  middle  of  the  night  they  were  awakened  by  a  great 
noise  in  the  street.  One  of  the  Irishmen  got  up  and  looked 
out  of  the  window.  Two  fire-engines  tore  along,  belching 
smoke  and  lire  and  leaving  a  trail  of  sparks. 

"  Phwat  is  ut  ?  "  asked  the  chap  who  remained  in  bed. 

"  They're  movin'  hell,"  said  the  man  at  the  window,  "  and 
two  loads  have  just  gone  by." 

37 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


STILL  WAITING  FOR  THE  GOOD  SAMARITAN 
This  is  a  negro  preacher's  version  of  the  parable  of  the  Good 
Samaritan :  There  was  a  traveler  on  a  lonely  road,  said  the 
preacher,  who  was  set  upon  by  thieves,  robbed,  and  left 
wounded  and  helpless  by  the  wayside.  Ashe  lay  there  various 
persons  passed  him,  but  none  offered  to  assist  him.  Presently, 
however,  a  poor  Samaritan  came  by,  and  taking  pity  on  the 
wounded  man's  plight,  helped  him  on  his  mule  and  took  him  to 
an  inn,  where  he  ordered  food  and  drink  and  raiment  for  the 
man,  directing  the  innkeeper  to  send  the  bill  to  him.  "And 
dis  am  a  true  story,  brethren,"  concluded  the  preacher ;  "  for  de 
inn  am  standin'  dere  yet,  and  in  de  do'way  am  standin'  de 
skel'ton  ob  de  innkeeper,  waitin'  fer  de  Good  Samaritan  to 
come  back  an'  pay  de  bill." 

SPANISH  LOVE 

I  recently  saw  a  young  soldier,  wearing  a  ragged  U.  S.  uni- 
form, seated  on  an  old  soap  box  in  front  of  the  IVor Id  hv^ding, 
playing  upon  a  wheezy  accordion,  "  Give  Us  Just  Another 
Lincoln."  He  truly  presented  a  sorry  spectacle.  His  legs  were 
both  missing  below  the  knees,  one  arm  was  gone  at  the  shoulder, 
and  he  was  short  an  eye  and  part  of  an  ear.  A  well  dressed 
gentleman  stepped  up  and  dropped  a  five-dollar  bill  in  the  tin 
cup  suspended  around  his  neck. 

Surprised  at  the  donation,  the  young  soldier  said  gratefully, 
"  You  must  be  a  comrade."  "  No,"  replied  the  philanthropist. 
"  I'm  a  Spaniard,  and  you're  the  first  American  that  I've  seen 
since  the  war  that  was  done  up  to  suit  me." 

38 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


CASEY  IN  LONDON 
"  One  day  Riley  was  riding  on  top  of  a  'bus  in  London  with 
his  friend  Casey.  He  was  nearly  worn  out  with  several  hours 
sight-seeing  and  the  bustle  and  excitement  of  the  London  street, 
the  hoi  polloi,  the  Billingsgate  and  the  din  and  rattle  were  be- 
coming almost  unbearable  when  they  came  in  sight  of  West- 
minster Abbey.  Just  as  they  did  so,  the  chimes  burst  forth  in 
joyous  melody,  and  he  said  to  Casey,  '  isn't  it  sublime  ?  Isn't  it 
glorious  to  hear  those  chimes  pealing  and  doesn't  it  inspire  one 
with  renewed  vigor  ?  *  Casey  leaned  over,  with  hand  to  his 
ear,  and  said,  youH  have  to  speak  a  little  louder,  Riley,  I  can't 
hear  you.'  Riley  continued,  '  those  magnificent  chimes.  Do 
you  not  hear  them  pealing  ?  Do  they  not  imbue  you  with  a 
feeling  of  almost  reverence?  Do  they  not  awaken  tender 
memories  of  the  past  ?  '  Casey  again  leaned  forward  and  said, 
'  I  can't  hear  you.  You'll  have  to  speak  louder.'  Riley  got  as 
close  to  him  as  possible  and  said,  '  do  you  not  hear  the  melodious 
pealing  of  the  chimes  ?  Do  they  not  recall  the  salutation  of  old 
Trinity  on  a  Sabbath  morning  ?  Do  they  not  take  you  back 
into  the  dim  vistas  of  the  past  when  the  worid  was  young,  and 
touch  your  heart  with  a  feeling  of  pathos  >  "      Casey   put  his 

mouth  close  to  Riley's  ear  and  said,  '  Those  d bells  are 

making  such  a  racket,  Riley,  that  I  can't  hear  you.'  " 

NOTHING  TO  LOSE 
Captain — "  All  is  lost !     We  can  not  save  the  ship  !  " 
Moses — "  Do  you  hear  what  he  says  Ikey,  the  ship  is  going 
to  sink." 

Iljey — "Veil,  let  it  sink.    Vat  do  ve  care  ?  Ve  don't  own  it." 
:i9 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


A  SLIGHT  MIXUP  AT  HOME 

A  young  married  woman,  according  to  "  Tit-Bits,"  recently 
walked  into  a  grocer's  shop,  angry  to  the  very  roots  of  her  hair, 
and  banged  a  piece  of  yellow  substance  on  the  counter. 

"  Here,"  she  said,  "  is  the  soap  that  does  the  washing  of  it- 
self ;  the  soap  that  makes  every  washing  day  a  glorified  feast ; 
the  soap  that  makes  the  linen  white  as  snow,  and  lets  the  de- 
lighted housewife  play  with  the  children  while  the  clothes  wash 
themselves,  and — — " 

"  I  beg  your "  interrupted  the  grocer. 

"  Yes,  I  know  what  you  are  going  to  say,"  broke  in  the  irate 
wife.  "  All  the  same,  I  have  been  scrubbing  three  mortal  hours 
vsath  that  lump,  eind  I  might  as  well  have  used  a  brick  for  all  the 
lather  I  could  get  out  of  it."     And  she  stopped  out  of  breath. 

"  But,  my  dear  madaim,"  said  the  grocer  calmly,  "  your  hus- 
band came  in  here  yesterday  and  bought  half  a  pound  of  soap 
and  half  a  pound  of  cheese.  This  isn't  the  soap ;  this  is  the 
cheese." 

"  The  cheese ! "  exclaimed  the  young  wife.  "  The  cheese ! 
Then  that  accounts  for  the  other  thing." 

"  What  other  thing,  madam  ?  " 

"  Why,  the  Welsh  rarebit.  No  wonder  it  had  such  a  queer 
taste ! " 

AN  APOLOGy'nEEDED 

Henry  Parker  is  absent  minded.  One  day  he  ran  against  a 
cow.  He  raised  his  hat  and  said :  "I  beg  your  pardon. 
Madam,"  and  then  saw  his  mistake.  Soon  after  he  stumbled 
against  a  lady.     Without  looking  up  he  said :     "  Is  that  you 

again,  you  brute  ?  " 

40 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


ONE  BUTTON  WAS  IN  USE 

A  school  principal  was  trying  to  make  clear  to  his  class  the 
fundcimental  doctrines  of  the  Declaration  of  Independence. 

"  Now,  boys,"  he  sciid,  "  I  will  give  you  each  three  ordinary 
buttons.  Here  they  are.  You  must  think  of  the  first  one  as 
representing  Life,  of  the  second  one  as  representing  Liberty, 
and  the  third  one  as  representing  the  Pursuit  of  Happiness. 
Next  Sunday  I  will  ask  you  each  to  produce  the  three  buttons 
and  tell  me  what  they  represent." 

The  following  Sunday  the  teacher  said  to  the  youngest  mem- 
ber: 

"  Now,  Johnnie,  produce  your  three  buttons  and  tell  me 
what  they  stand  for." 

**  I  2un't  got  'em  adl,"  he  sobbed,  holding  out  two  of  the  but- 
tons. "  Here's  Life  cin'  here's  Liberty,  but  mommer  sewed  the 
Pursuit  o'  Happiness  on  my  pants." 

INDIGNANT  TALENT 

A  lecturer  who  has  always  flattered  himself  that  he  was  in 
the  front  rank  of  public  speakers  felt  a  trifle  indignant  over  his 
introduction  to  a  western  audience  by  the  chaurman  of  the  com- 
mittee having  charge  of  the  town  lecture  course.  It  was  the 
opening  night  of  the  course,  emd  the  chairman  said : 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen :  This  is,  as  you  know,  the  open- 
ing night  of  our  town  lecture  course.  I  think  that  most  of  you 
know  cJso  that  our  lecture  course  last  wanter  was  not  a  linancicJ 
success,  and  we  ran  behind  nearly  $  1 00.  To  avoid  a  recur- 
rence of  this  we  have  this  year  engaged  cheaper  talent,  the  first 
of  which  will  now  address  you." 

41 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


WASTED  ECONOMY 
A  man  was  stranded  in  Norway  with  only  enough  money  in 
his  pocket  to  pay  his  passage  back  to  England.  He  thought 
the  matter  over  and  came  to  the  conclusion  that  he  would  buy 
the  ticket  and  as  the  sea  trip  only  lasted  a  couple  of  days  he 
wonld  go  without  food  that  length  of  time.  He  realized  that  if 
he  remained  in  Norway  and  spent  his  money  he  would  never 
be  able  to  get  back  home. 

So  he  went  on  board  the  steamer  and  bought  his  ticket.  He 
closed  his  ears  to  the  sound  of  the  lunch  bell,  and  when  dinner- 
time came  and  a  fellow-passenger  asked  him  to  accompany  him 
to  the  dining-room,  he  politely  declined  on  the  ground  that  he 
never  ate  at  sea. 

The  next  morning  he  skipped  breakfast  by  sleeping  late,  and 
at  lunch-time  he  kept  to  his  room.  By  dinner-time  at  night, 
however,  he  was  so  hungry  that  he  could  have  eaten  a  pair  of 
shoes.  "  I  am  going  to  eat,"  he  said,  "  even  if  I  am  thrown 
overboard  afterwards.  I  might  as  well  be  drowned  as  starved 
to  death." 

At  the  dinner-table  he  ate  everything  in  sight.  Jhen  he 
braced  himself  for  the  explosion.  "  Bring  me  the  bill,"  he  said 
to  the  steward. 

"  The  bill  ?  "  queried  the  steward. 
"  Yes,"  said  the  man. 

"  There  isn't  any  bill,"  was  the  reply.  "  On  this  ship  meals 
go  with  the  passage  ticket." 


LUCKY 
Passenger  (at  depot  restaurant).— "  Is  that  all  you've  got  to 
eat  here  ?  " 

Waiter — "  I  hav'n't  got  to  eat  it.     I  work  here." 
42 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


INCRIMINATING  EVIDENCE 

A  little  girl  who  had  the  usual  childish  habit  of  continually 
asking  questions,  one  day  asked  her  mother  why  her  haiir  was  so 
grey. 

The  mother,  thinking  that  this  would  be  a  good  chance  to 
admonish  the  child  for  past  bad  behavior,  said,  "  When  my  little 
girl  is  naughty  it  makes  meimma  feel  real  sorry,  and  when  mamma 
is  sorry  it  makes  mamma's  hair  turn  grey." 

The  child  was  somewhat  crestfallen  by  this  emd  went  into  an 
adjoining  room  to  play  wdth  her  grandmother.  Shortly  she  re- 
turned, and  with  a  triumphant  look  on  her  face,  said,  "  Oh 
mamma,  you  must  have  been  em  awful  naughty  *  ittle  girl,  grand- 
ma's hair's  all  white." 


THE  ABSENT  MINDED  PROFESSOR 

An  absent  minded  professor  was  aimlessly  wandering  around 
the  business  section  of  a  large  city.  During  his  peregrinations 
he  dropped  into  a  drug  store.  Going  around  the  place  with  a 
lack-lustre  eye  he  finally  espied  a  city  directory.  His  face  was 
immediately  covered  with  smiles.  "Now,"  he  said  to  himself, 
"  If  I  could  only  remember  my  namie  I  could  tell  where  I  live." 


NOT  PARTICULAR 

A  boy  stood  on  the  comer  of  Fourteenth  street  and  Fourth 
avenue,  industriously  scratching  his  head,  when  a  gentleman, 
who  was  passing,  said  to  him :  "  Picking  'em  out,  sonny  ?  " 
"  No,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  "  I  takes  'em  just  as  I  finds  'em." 

43 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


WITH  GOOD  INTENT 

Patrick  Murphy  had  just  been  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of 
the  A.  O.  H.  He  was  persuaded  to  join  by  his  friend,  Michael 
Casey,  who,  as  a  member,  had  attended  to  the  filling  out  of  his 
application,  etc.  At  the  first  meeting  some  one  made  a  motion 
that  the  lodge  procure  four  cuspidors.  This  was  seconded,  and 
the  matter  being  opened  for  remarks,  Patrick,  remembering  the 
kindness  of  his  friend  cind  thinking  that  this  would  be  a  good 
opportunity  to  show  his  worth  and  interest  in  affairs,  arose  and 
addressed  the  chair.  "  Mr.  Cheiirman,"  he  said,  "  I  am  not 
familiar  with  the  object  and  purposes  of  this  motion,  but  I  feel 
constrciined  to  spake  and  nominate  me  friend,  Mike  Casey,  as 
one  of  them  cuspidors." 


AN  OLD  FAMILY 

A  man  boasting  of  the  antiquity  of  his  family  saiid  that  his 
ancestors  came  over  in  the  "Mayflower."  "Why,"  said  a 
gentleman,  "  you're  a  mere  mushroom  of  yesterday.  I  recently 
examined  the  pedigree  of  a  fcimily  that  filled  1 00  pages  of  man- 
uscript and  near  the  middle  of  it  was  a  marginal  note :  ^ About 
this  time  the  world  was  created. '  ' ' 


FLY  SOUP 
Mr.  Rosenzki  took  his  boy  to  a  restaurant  last  week  to  get  a 
bowl  of  soup.  Jakey  commenced  to  eat  it,  and  he  grabbed  his 
father  by  the  coat  and  he  says,  "Papa,  there's  a  fly  in  der  soup." 
Papa  says,  "  Eat  der  soup  and  vait  till  you  come  down  to  der 
fly,  tell  de  vaiter  and  he'll  give  you  another  bowl  for  nothing." 

44 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


PRESENCE  OF  MIND 

Two  gendemen  stood  in  front  of  a  building  in  process  of  erec- 
tion on  one  of  the  New  York  thoroughfares,  discussing  a  late 
shipwreck,  from  which  one  of  them,  by  the  exercise  of  unusucJ 
presence  of  mind,  had  narrowly  escaped. 

At  their  side  a  humble  "son  of  Erin  "  was  busily  mixing  the 
plaster  for  the  new  walls.  Turning  in  great  friendliness,  born  of 
his  escape  from  death,  the  fortunate  man  addressed  him : 

"  Well,  my  dear  fellow,  can  you  think  of  anything  more  de- 
sirable in  time  of  great  peril  them  '  presence  of  mind  ?  '  " 

"  Well,  sor,  indeed  thin,  no ;  unless  it  be  absince  of  body," 


THE  DISOBLIGING  HORSE 

Marshall  P.  Wilder  tells  with  gusto  of  two  men  of  his  ac- 
quciintance  who  hired  a  horse  and  trap  for  a  day's  outing  in  the 
country.  When  they  had  reached  their  destination  the  horse 
Wcis  unhitched  and  allowed  peacefully  to  graze  whilst  they  en- 
joyed some  excellent  fishing. 

When  the  time  came  *^o  go  home,  the  two  found  themselves 
in  a  predicament,  for  neither  knew  how  to  reharness  the  beast. 
They  made  many  efforts,  but  with  the  same  result  each  time. 
TTieir  chief  difficulty  was  adjusting  the  bit,  the  horse  making  not 
the  least  response  to  their  overtures. 

"  Well,"  exclaimed  one  of  the  men  finaUy,  sitting  down  with 
a  discouraged  expression,  "  there's  only  one  thing  to  do — W2ut." 

"  Wait  for  what  ?  "  asked  his  companion. 

"  Wait  for  the  silly  animal  to  yawn !  " 
45 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


WILLIE'S  DREAM  OF  PAPA 

Willie  {very  seriously):  "  Papa,  I  had  a  strange  dream  this 
morning," 

Papa :     "  Indeed  !     What  was  it  ?  " 

Willie  :  "  I  dreamed,  papa,  that  I  died  and  went  to  Heaven ; 
and  when  St.  Peter  met  me  at  the  gate,  instead  of  showing  me 
the  way  to  the  golden  street,  as  I  expected,  he  took  me  out  into 
a  large  field,  and  in  the  middle  of  the  field  there  was  a  ladder 
reaching  away  up  into  the  sky  and  out  of  sight.  Then  St.  Peter 
told  me  that  Heaven  was  at  the  top,  and  that  in  order  to  get 
there  I  must  take  the  big  piece  of  chalk  he  gave  me  and  slowly 
climb  the  ladder,  writing  on  each  rung  some  sin  I  had  committed." 

Papa  {laying  down  his  newspaper):  "And  did  you 
finally  reach  Heaven,  my  son  ?  " 

Willie :  "  No,  papa,  for  just  as  I  was  tr3nng  to  think  of  some- 
thing to  write  on  the  second  rung  I  looked  up  and  saw  you  com- 
ing down." 

Papa  :  "  And  what  was  I  coming  down  for  ?  " 

Willie:  "That's  what  I  asked  you,  and  you  told  me  you 
were  coming  for  more  chalk." 


OF  COURSE  NOT 

"  One  day  in  the  dining-car,  the  boy  across  the  aisle  got  to 
laughing  so,  he  couldn't  stop.  Someone  said  to  his  mother, 
"  That  boy  needs  a  spanking."  She  said, ' '  Well,  I  don't  believe 
in  spanking  a  boy  on  a  full  stomach."  "  Neither  do  I,"  said  the 
siranger.     "  Turn  him  over." 

46 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


WOULD  USE  FORCE 
Our  readers  may  recollect  hearing  about  the  man  who  had 
read  that  cheerfulness  at  table  was  a  very  excellent  and  po- 
tent factor  in  daily  life,  and  who  decided,  accordingly,  that  he 
would  have  cheerfulness  around  his  faimily  board,  or  know  the 
reason  why.  He  therefore  gathered  his  family  around  him  at 
the  breakfast  table,  and,  seeing  that  the  usual  somewhat  glum 
and  silent  family  habit  was  ruling,  he  broke  out:  "Smile,  gol 
dum  ye  !  You,  Sal,  and  you,  John  Henry,  and  all  the  rest  of 
ye,  smile !  You  got  to  be  cheerful  at  the  table  hereafter  or  I'll 
knock  the  heads  off  en  ye !  Git  a  grin  on  there  and  keep  it  a 
goin  ' ! "  Needless  to  say,  hilarity  reigned  at  meals  in  that  house- 
hold thereafter. 


FOUND  OUT 
Dr.  Sanderson  hit  the  booze  pretty  hard.  One  day  while 
feeKng  the  pulse  of  a  lady  patient,  his  foot  slipped.  Referring 
to  himself,  he  said  :  "  Drunk,  by  heavens !  "  The  lady  who 
had  been  drinking  excessively,  thought  he  referred  to  her  and 
offered  him  $50  to  keep  her  secret. 


NO  ADVANTAGE 
Johnie — "  I  wish  I  lived  in  South  America." 
Mother — "  Why,  Johnnie  ?  " 

"  The  mammas  down  there  don't  wear  any  slippers.' 
"  Yes,  my  son,  but  you  must  also  remember  that  the  little  boys 
in  South  America  do  not  wear  any  pants." 

"  That's  so.     It's  queer  that  I  never  thought  about  that." 
47 


AFTER   DINNER    STORIES 


NOT  IN  THE  RUNNING 

The  Honorable  "  Tim  "  Sullivan,  of  Tammany  fame,  says  that 
two  friends  of  his,  who  are  booksellers,  while  riding  downtown 
on  an  "  L  "  train,  fell  to  discussing  the  relative  popularity  of  cer- 
tain novels,  viewed  from  a  selling  standpoint.  The  first  book- 
man had  been  reading  to  his  friend  an  article  from  a  newspaper 
that  set  forth  the  number  of  certain  stories  sold  during  the  week 
previous.  It  happened  that  at  this  juncture  an  extremely  sporty- 
looking  individual  entered  the  car  and  took  a  seat  just  behind 
that  of  the  two  friends. 

"  Now,  this  paper,"  said  the  first  bookseller,  turning  to  his 
friend,  "  places  The  Virginian  first,  Mrs.  Wiggs  second  and — " 

"  Gentlemen,"  interrupted  the  sporting  man  eagerly,  "  excuse 
me  for  butting  in,  but  as  I've  followed  this  game  for  years  I  know 
what  I  am  saying.  That  dope  sheet  you  hold  is  a  pure  fake. 
There  are  no  such  horses  running  ;  take  my  word  for  it." 


ONE  OF  LINCOLN'S  LITTLE  NOTES 

President  Lincoln  once  wrote  to  General  McClellan,  when 
the  latter  was  in  command  of  the  army.  General  McClellan, 
as  is  well  known,  conducted  a  waiting  campaign,  being  so  care- 
ful not  to  make  any  mistakes  that  he  made  very  little  headway. 
President  Lincoln  sent  this  brief  but  exceedingly  pertinent  letter : 
"  My  Dear  McClellan  :  If  you  don't  want  to  use  the  army 
I  should  like  to  borrow  it  for  a  while. 

Yours  respectfully, 

A.  Lincoln." 
48 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


PRACTICAL 
A  clergyman  was  descanting  upon  the  value  of  faith  and 
works  and  to  illustrate  the  theory  that  they  go  together  and  that 
one  is  useless  without  the  other,  he  used  a  simile  of  a  man  in  a 
boat.  Said  he :  "  Suppose  I  am  in  a  boat.  I  have  two  oars. 
One  I  will  call  Faith'  and  the  other  '  Works.'  I  use  the 
oar, '  Faith'  alone  and  the  boat  simply  goes  in  a  circle.  I  use 
the  oar,  '  Works'  alone  and  the  boat  still  makes  no  progress." 
Just  then  he  was  interrupted  by  a  small  boy  in  the  gallery,  who 
called  out  with  considerable  energy  :  "  Why  the  h--ll  don't  you 
scull?  " 


KNEW  WHAT  HE  WAS  TALKING  ABOUT 

Jerry  Simpson  one  day  while  eulogizing  Daniel  Webster  re- 
ferred in  complimentary  terms  to  his  dictionary.  A  friend  pulled 
Simpson's  coat-tail  and  whispered,  "  Noah  made  the  dictionary." 
Simpson  gave  him  a  scornful  look  and  whispered  back,  "  Noah 
built  the  ark." 


NOT  ON  HER  LIFE 

An  Irish  woman  walked  into  a  large  department  store.  The 
floor-walker,  who  was  very  bow-legged,  asked  her  what  he  could 
do  for  her.  She  told  him  that  she  would  like  to  look  at  the 
handkerchiefs  that  were  advertised. 

"  Just  walk  this  way,  ma'am,"  said  the  floor-walker. 

The  woman  looked  at  his  legs. 

*'  No,  sir,"  indignantly  replied  the  old  lady ;  "  I'll  die  first." 
49 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


A  GOOD  MAJORITY 

A  well-known  English  surgeon  was  imparting  some  clinical 
instructions  to  half  a  dozen  students,  according  to  "  The  Medical 
Age."  Pausing  at  the  bedside  of  a  doubtful  case  he  said: 
"  Now,  gentlemen,  do  you  think  this  is  or  is  not  a  case  for  opera- 
ration  ?  " 

One  by  one  each  student  made  his  diagnosis,  and  all  of  them 
answered  in  the  negative. 

"  WeU,  gentlemen,  you  are  all  wrong,"  said  the  wielder  of  the 
scalpel,  "  and  I  shall  operate  tomorrow." 

"  No,  you  won't,"  said  the  patient,  as  he  rose  in  his  bed ;  "  six 
to  one  is  a  good  majority  ;  gimme  my  clothes." 


MEAN.  MEANER,  MEANEST 

There  were  four  of  them  in  the  smoking  compartment  of  the 
car,  when  the  traveller  from  Chicago  happened  to  say :  "  That 
reminds  me  of  a  man  out  in  my  town  who  is  so  mean  that  he 
makes  the  members  of  his  house  write  small  hands  in  order  to 
save  ink." 

"  A  friend  o*  my  faather's,  suh,  wuz  even  wus  than  thet," 
came  promptly  from  the  Baltimorean.  "  He  stopped  the  clocks 
at  night,  suh,  because  o'  the  wear  and  tear  on  the  M'orks." 

Then  the  Philadelphian  :  "  Well,  there's  a  good  old  Quaker 
out  in  Wayne  who  won't  read  the  papers.  Wears  out  his 
glasses,  says  he." 

All  three  looked  inquiringly  at  the  man  from  New  York,  but 
he  merely  smiled  and  rang  for  the  waiter  to  take  the  orders. 

50 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


TOO  ENTERPRISING 

There  is  an  enterprising  clothier  who  rarely  admits  that  he 
hasn't  what  a  customer  may  want. 

One  day  a  man  entered  his  shop,  and  asked  if  he  had  any 
trousers  made  especially  for  one-legged  people. 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  merchant.  "  What  kind  do  you 
want  ?  " 

"  The  best  you've  got,"  said  the  man. 

Hurrying  into  the  rear  of  the  shop,  the  merchant  snatched  up 
a  pair  of  trousers  and  snipped  off  the  right  leg  with  a  pair  of 
scissors.  Hastily  turning  under  the  edges,  he  presented  them 
to  the  customer. 

"  That's  the  kind  I  want.     What's  the  price  ?  " 

"  Five  dollars. " 

"  Well,  give  me  a  pair  with  the  left  leg  off  !  " 

A  month  later  the  merchant  was  pronounced  convalescent, 
and  on  the  high  road  to  recovery. 


JUST  AS  HE  THOUGHT 

A  small  boy  was  reciting  in  a  geography  class.  The  teacher 
was  trying  to  teach  him  the  points  of  the  compass.  She  ex- 
plained :  "  On  your  right  is  the  south,  your  left  the  north,  and 
in  front  of  you  is  the  east.     Now,  what  is  behind  you  ?  " 

The  boy  studied  for  a  moment,  then  puckered  up  his  face  and 
bawled :  "  I  knew  it.  I  told  Ma  you'd  see  that  patch  in  my 
pcints." 

51 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


THE  TORN  TROUSERS 

A  man  and  his  wife  arrived  at  a  dance  quite  late  in  the  evening 
only  for  the  husband  to  discover  that  in  slipping  on  the  icy  pave- 
ment he  had  cut  one  knee  of  his  trousers.  The  dressing-rooms 
were  entirely  empty,  and  the  wdfe  suggested : 

"  Here,  come  in  the  ladies'  dressing-room.  No  one  is  in  there 
and  I  will  pin  it  up  and  make  it  do  for  the  evening." 

But  an  examination  showed  that  the  cut  was  too  large,  and 
no  pinning  up  would  do. 

"I  have  a  needle  and  black  thread,"  suggested  the  maid 
attendant,  "  if  the  gentleman  doesn't  mind.  I  will  stand  at  the 
door  and  see  that  no  one  comes  in." 

The  trousers  were  hastily  taken  off  and  eui  overcoat  made  to 
serve  as  a  robe.  The  wife  quickly  sewed,  but  in  the  middle  of 
the  task  loud  voices  were  heard  arguing  w^th  the  maid : 

"  We  must  come  in,  maid.     A  lady  is  sick.     Quick,  let  us  in." 

The  husband  blanched ;  the  maid  looked  appealingly ;  the  wdfe 
glanced  hurriedly  around  the  room. 

"  Here,  quick,"  she  said  to  her  husband,  grabbing  the  knob  of 
a  door,  "  get  into  this  closet  for  a  moment." 

And  opening  the  door  she  pushed  her  husband  through,  and 
slammed  it.  In  a  moment,  however,  a  terrific  hammering  started 
on  the  other  side  of  the  "  closet"  door. 

"  Quick,  Alice,"  came  a  voice,  "  let  me  back,  quick." 

"  But  the  women  are  here,"  said  the  wife ;  "  what's " 

"  Oh,  hang  the  women,"  came  the  voice  and  another  thump  ; 
"  I'm  in  the  ballroom ! " 

62 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


A  JOKE  ON  THE  JOKERS 

At  a  certain  Jesuit  college  in  one  of  our  large  cities  a  very 
amusing  event  happened  in  one  of  the  class  rooms. 

It  was  at  the  beginning  of  the  study  hour.     A  priest  entered 

the  room,  and  going  to  the  blackboard  wrote  "  Father  H 

wdll  meet  his  classes  in  the  East  room  at  1 0.30."  He  then  left 
the  room.  One  of  the  students,  desiring  to  make  a  display  of 
his  wit  tiptoed  to  the  blackboard  and  erased  the  C  in  classes, 
much  to  the  emiusement  of  his  classmates. 

Shortly  after  another  priest  entered  the  room  and  in  a  few 
moments  noticed  the  now  peculiarly  worded  sentence  on  the 
board  cind  also  saw  that  the  word  classes  had  been  tampered 
with.  Without  a  smile  on  his  face  he  went  to  the  blackboard 
and  much  to  the  chagrin  of  the  original  wit  and  the  rest  of  the 
class,  he  now  erased  the  L  in  the  word  and  quietly  left  the  room. 


UNDESIRED  GOOD  FORTUNE 

A  certain  little  boy  had  a  predilection  for  telling  petty  false- 
hoods. This  greatly  grieved  his  mother  who  always  told  him 
that  little  boys  who  told  untruths  would  not  go  to  Heaven.  She 
also  continually  brought  up  the  righteous  example  of  George 
Washington. 

He  finally  became  tired  of  these  same  things  which  his  mother 
told  him  and  one  day  while  being  corrected  he  interrupted  his 
mother  with  "  I  wouldn't  want  to  go  to  Heaven  anyway  ;  there 
won't  be  nobody  there  but  me  and  God  and  George  Washing- 
ton." 

63 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


IT  WAS  A  SPEEDY  TRAIN 

Three  men  were  talking  in  rather  a  large  way  as  to  the  excel- 
lent train  service  each  had  in  his  special  locality  :  one  was  from 
the  West,  one  from  New  England,  and  the  other  from  New 
York.  The  former  two  men  had  told  of  marvelous  doings  of 
trains,  and  it  was  distinctly  "  up"  to  the  man  from  New  York. 

"  Now  in  New  York,"  he  said,  "  we  not  only  run  our  trains 
fast,  but  we  also  start  them  fast.  I  remember  the  case  of  a  friend 
of  mine  whose  wife  went  to  see  him  off  for  the  West  on  the 
Pennsylvania  at  Jersey  City.  As  the  train  was  about  to  start 
my  friend  said  his  final  good-by  to  his  wife,  and  leaned  down 
from  the  car  platform  to  kiss  her.  The  train  started,  and,  would 
you  believe  it,  my  friend  found  himself  kissing  a  strcinge  woman 
on  the  platform  at  Trenton  ! " 

And  the  other  men  gave  up. 


AS  FAR  AS  SHE  COULD  GO 

She  was  a  new  cook,  and  anxious  to  please.  So  was  the 
mistress  that  she  should,  especially  on  a  certain  evening  when 
there  was  special  company  at  dinner.  To  the  constemation  of 
the  hostess,  appeared  Bridget,  holding  before  her  a  plate  of 
tomatoes,  but  arrayed  minus  her  waist  and  skirt. 

"  Well,  ma'am,"  she  said,  "  I  did  it — did  what  you  told  me : 
bring  the  tomatoes  in  undressed.  But  I'll  lose  me  place  furst 
before  I  take  off  another  stitch." 

64 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


HE  DID  AS  HE  WAS  TOLD 

The  boarders  were  alarmed  one  night  by  what  sounded  like 
a  mcin  running  at  a  tremendous  gait  in  one  of  the  upper  rooms. 
However,  as  it  came  from  the  second-floor  front  room  of  the  new 
boarder,  nothing  was  said.  The  next  night  the  same  running 
noises  were  heard  ;  still  it  was  thought  best  to  say  nothing.  But 
the  third  night  the  noise  differed ;  the  boarders  huddled  together 
in  the  parlor  as  the  chandeliers  shook,  as  the  man  above  appar- 
ently Ccime  down  at  intervals  with  a  thump,  thump  that  fadrly 
shook  the  house. 

Two  men  were  delegated  to  see  what  was  the  matter. 

"  What  in  the  world  is  the  matter  up  here  ?  "  asked  one  of 
the  men  as  the  door  was  opened  by  the  new  boarder,  apparently 
breathless. 

"  Why,"  came  the  answer  between  gasps  of  breath,  "  I'm 
taking  my  medicine." 

"  Medicine  ?  "  echoed  the  men. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  man,  as  he  dropped  into  a  chair  from  sheer 
exhaustion.  "  It's  tougher  on  me  than  it  is  on  you.  But  the 
doctor  said  I  should  take  it  two  nights  running,  and  then  skip  the 

third  night."  

PROVED  HIS  TEACHER  WRONG 

Little  Willie's  father  found  his  youthful  son  holding  up  one  of 
his  rabbits  by  the  ears  and  saying  to  him :  "  How  much  is  seven 
times  seven,  now  i*  " 

"  Bah,"  the  father  heard  the  boy  say,  "  I  knew  you  couldn't. 
Here's  another  one  :  Six  times  six  is  how  much  ?  " 

55 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


"  Why,  Willie,  what  in  the  world  are  you  domg  with  your 
rabbit  ?  "  asked  the  father. 

Willie  threw  the  rabbit  down  with  disgust.  "  I  knew  our 
teacher  was  l5ang  to  us,"  was  all  he  seiid. 

"  Why,  how  ?  "  asked  the  father. 

"  Why,  she  told  us  this  morning  that  rabbits  were  the  greatest 
multipliers  in  the  world." 

HAD  TO  GET  IT  DONE  SOMEHOW 

A  little  boy  bustled  into  a  grocery  one  day  with  a  memorandum 
in  his  hand. 

"  Hello,  Mr.  Smith,"  he  said.  "  I  want  thirteen  pounds  of 
coffee  at  32  cents." 

"Very  good,"  said  the  grocer,  and  he  noted  down  the  sale,  and 
put  his  clerk  to  packing  the  coffee.     "Anything  else,  Charlie  ?  " 

"  Yes.     Twenty-seven  pounds  of  sugar  at  9  cents." 

"  The  loaf,  eh  ?     And  what  else  ?  " 

"  Seven  and  a  half  pounds  of  bacon  at  20  cents." 

"  That  wall  be  a  good  brand.     Go  on." 

"  Five  pounds  of  tea  at  90  cents  ;  eleven  and  a  half  quarts 
of  molasses  at  8  cents  a  pint ;  two  eight-pound  hams  at  2  1  1-4 
cents,  and  five  dozen  jars  of  pickled  walnuts  at  24  cents  a  jar." 

The  grocer  made  out  the  bill. 

"  It's  a  big  order,"  he  said.  "  Did  your  mother  tell  you  to 
pay  for  it  7  " 

"  My  mother,"  said  the  boy,  as  he  pocketed  the  neat  and 
accurate  bill,  "  has  nothing  to  do  with  this  business.  It  is  my 
arithmetic  lesson  and  I  had  to  get  it  done  somehow." 

56 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


NO  BUSINESS  OF  HERS 

An  interesting  dialogue  between  a  woman  and  a  railway  con- 
ductor— in  which  the  woman  got  the  best  of  it  —is  reported  by 
the  Philadelphia  "  Press"  : 

"  I  shall  have  to  ask  you  for  a  ticket  for  that  boy,  ma'am." 

"  I  guess  not." 

"  He's  too  old  to  travel  free.  He  occupies  a  whole  seat,  and 
the  car's  crowded.     There  are  people  standing." 

"  I  can't  help  that." 

"  I  haven't  time  to  argue  the  matter,  ma'am.  You'D  have  to 
pay  for  that  boy." 

"  I've  never  paid  for  him  yet." 

"  You've  got  to  begin  doing  it  some  lime." 

"  Not  this  trip,  anyway." 

"  You'D  pay  for  that  boy,  ma'am,  or  I'll  stop  the  train  and  put 
him  off." 

"  All  right.  Put  him  off  if  you  think  that's  the  way  to  get 
anything  out  of  me." 

"  You  ought  to  know  what  the  rules  of  this  road  are,  ma'am. 
How  old  is  that  boy  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know.     I  never  saw  him  before." 

SHE  KNEW  HER  BUSINESS 
It  was  at  a  hotel  in  Vermont.     A  New  York  commercial 

traveller  glanced  up  from  his  morning  paper  and  asked  of  the 

pretty  weiitress  standing  before  him : 

"  What  kinds  of  breakfast  food  have  you  ?  " 

"  Apple,  mince,  cranberry,  pumpkin  and  custard,"  was  her 

prompt  reply. 

57 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


OBEYING  ORDERS 

Flanagan  was  a  soldier,  and  was  one  night  placed  on  sentry 
duty.  The  password  was  "  Sebastopol,"  and  it  was  impressed 
on  the  sentry  that  he  was  not  to  allow  a  soul  to  pass  the  lines 
who  could  not  give  that  countersign. 

As  luck  would  have  it,  the  Colonel  of  the  regiment  was  out 
rather  late  that  night,  and  came  strolling  home  in  the  dark. 

As  he  neared  Flanagan,  that  hero  challenged  him. 

"  Who  goes  there  ?  " 

"  A  friend,"  said  the  Colonel. 

"  Advance,  friend,  and  give  the  password." 

"  It's  all  right,  Flanagan,"  said  his  Commanding  Officer ;  "  I've 
been  out  a  bit  late,  and  I've  forgotten  the  word.  But  you  know 
me ;  I'm  your  Colonel." 

"  I  don't  care  who  ye  are,"  cried  Flanagan  ;  "  I've  got  my 
orders,  and  devil  a  soul  I'm  going  to  let  pass  unless  he  says 
'  Sebastopol ' !  " 


TOO  LATE  TO  CHANGE 

"  I  hear  you  have  a  little  sister  at  your  house,"  said  a  Chicago 
grocer  to  a  small  boy. 

"  Yes  sir,"  said  Johnny. 

"  Do  you  like  that  ?  "  was  queried. 

"  I  wish  it  was  a  boy,"  said  Johnny,  "  so  I  could  play  marbles 
with  him,  an'  baseball." 

"  Well,"  Solid  the  storekeeper,  "  why  don't  you  exchange  your 
little  sister  for  a  boy  ?  " 

Johnny  reflected  for  a  minute,  then  he  said  rather  sorrowfully : 

*'  We  can't  now.     It's  too  late.     We've  used  her  four  days." 

58 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


IN  AN  "EXPRESS"  ELEVATOR 
In  one  of  the  elevators  of  a  city  skyscraper,  as  the  elevator 
shot  toward  the  zenith,  a  stout  man  began  to  sputter.     "S's's's's 

s's's ,"  he  said,  as  the  veins  stood  out  upon  his  neck. 

At  the  twenty-third  story  the  stout  man's  eyes  were  nearly  start- 
mg  from  his  head,  and  as  he  grasped  the  arm  of  the  elevator 
man  the  latter  nervously  pulled  the  lever,  and  the  lift  started  for 
the  bottom  at  a  terrific  rate.  The  solitary  passenger  danced 
about,  gurgling  spasmodically.  As  the  car  struck  bottom,  how- 
ever, he  rushed  through  the  door  and  up  to  an  important  individ- 
ual, whose  cap  bore  the  screed  "Starter."  "S-s-s-say,"  he 
sputtered,  "  t-t-this  is  the  th-th-third  trip  I-I-I've  t-t-taken  in  the 
elevator,  n'  I-I-I-I  w-w-wanter  g-g-g-get  off  at  the  sev-sev- 
seventh  fl-fl-fl-floor.  Before  I-I-I  c-c-c-can  say  sev-sev-seven 
I-I-I-l'm  up  to  the  t-t-top,  *n'  be-be-before  I-I-I  can  cat-cat- 
catch  my  br-br-breath  I-I-I'm  down  h-h-here  again,  'n  I-I-I-I'm 
in  a  de-de-vil  of  a  hurry." 

DANGER  OF  ROBBERY 
A  plumber  was  sent  for  to  the  house  of  a  wealthy  stockbroker 
to  execute  some  repairs.  He  was  taken  by  the  butler  into  the 
dining-room,  and  was  beginning  his  work,  when  the  lady  of  the 
house  entered.  "John,"  said  she,  with  a  suspicious  glance 
toward  the  plumber,  "  remove  the  silver  from  the  sideboard,  and 
lock  it  up  at  once."  But  the  man  of  lead  was  in  nowise  dis- 
concerted. "  Tom,"  said  he  to  his  apprentice  who  accompanied 
him,  "  take  my  watch  and  my  chain,  and  these  coppers,  home 
to  my  missus  at  once.     There  seems  to  be  dishonest  people  about 

this  house." 

69 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


YOUTHFUL  PHILOSOPHY 

A  teacher  in  the  first  grade  of  the  grammar  school  gave  notice 
to  the  class  that  they  were  to  write  a  theme  upon  some  subject 
in  the  schoolroom. 

Johnny  was  at  a  loss  for  a  subject.  The  teacher  noticing  his 
perplexity  asked  him  what  was  his  trouble.  He  replied,  "  I 
don't  know  nothin'  to  write  about."  "  Write  about  anything" 
said  the  teacher,  "  write  about  that  pin  on  your  desk." 

The  themes  were  finished  and  while  correcting  them  the  next 
day  the  teacher  noticed  particularly  that  one  of  Johnny's,  for  it 
ended — "  Meiny  people  have  had  their  lives  saved  by  pins." 

The  teacher  caUed  him  to  her  desk  and  asked  him  the  meaning 
of  this  last  sentence,  asked  him  how  people  had  saved  their  lives 
by  pins,  and  Johnny  bravely  replied  "  By  not  swaUowing  them." 

A  BUSINESS  QUESTION 
A  commercial  traveller  stopping  at  the  Adams  House,  was 
recalling  some  of  his  experiences  to  a  group  a  few  evenings  ago, 
and  told  this  one :  "  I  travel  for  a  dry  goods  house  now,  but  I 
used  to  be  wath  a  big  farm  machinery  house  in  the  West,  and  a 
letter,  framed  and  hang'ing  in  the  president's  office,  attracted  my 
attention,  and  a  question  brought  out  its  history.  The  company 
had  received  a  letter  from  a  farmer  in  the  East,  asking  for  prices 
on  a  portable  saw  mill,  such  as  he  had  seen  mentioned  in  their 
ad.  in  his  farmers'  paper.  They  v^ote  him  a  description  of  the 
mill,  and  quoted  him  the  price,  which  was  $35.  In  a  few  days 
they  got  the  letter  which  still  hangs  on  the  office  wall,  nicely 
framed.     The  letter  reads:     'Dear  sir :  If  I  had  $35.00,  what 

in  h would  I  want  of  a  saw  mill  ?' " 

60 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


THE  BISHOP'S  FACE 
It  is  related  of  Bishop  Potter,  that  at  the  close  of  a  lecture 

engagement  in  rural  New  York  he  was  approached  by  a  farmer, 

who,  addressing  him  fcimiliarly,  said  : — 

"  Pard,  h'ain't  I  seen  yore  pictur'  someers  in  th'  paypers  ?  " 
With  becoming  modesty  the  bishop  replied  :     "  It  is  possible." 
"  Well,  pard,"  continued  the  farmer,  "  won't  you  please  tell 

me  what  you  was  cured  of  ?  " 


ANOTHER  LIPTON  STORY 

In  his  early  days  Sir  Thomas  Lipton  denied  himself  almost 
every  pleasure  except  that  of  cimassing  a  fortune.  Calling  one 
day  on  a  consul  on  busmess  matters,  he  was  offered  by  the 
ofEcicJ  a  cigar. 

"  No,  thank  you,"  said  Sir  Thomas  (then  Mr.)  Lipton. 
"  Although  I  am  the  biggest  smoker  in  England,  I  never  smoke 
cigars." 

"  What  do  you  smoke  ?  "  was  the  surprised  query. 

**  Bacon,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 


A  TOTAL  LOSS 
A  milkman  was  lately  seeking  the  aid  of  the  police,  to  trace  the 
whereabouts  of  a  family  who  had  left  the  neighborhood,  owing 
him  four  dollars.  "  Well,  I  suppose  there  was  two  dollars'  worth 
of  water  in  that  milk  account,"  remarked  the  inspector.  "  That's 
where  it  galls  me — that's  where  it  hurts  !  "  replied  the  deeder. 
"  They  were  new  customers,  and  I  hadn't  commenced  to  water 
the  milk  yet ! " 

61 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


TIT  FOR  TAT 

During  a  certain  whaling  cruise  the  first  mate  of  the  ship  got 
to  drinking  to  excess  and  was  intoxicated  for  several  days.  One 
day,  after  having  come  out  of  this  state,  he  examined  the  log 
book  to  see  what  had  passed  during  his  period  of  semi-forget- 
fulness.  He  was  horrified  to  find  entered  in  the  book  for  the 
three  days  consecutively, "  The  first  mate  is  drunk  today."  He 
naturally  did  not  want  this  to  stand  as  it  would  hardly  be  a  good 
recommendation  for  him  to  the  ship  owners.  He  saw  the  captain 
about  it  and  asked  him  to  remove  the  entries. 

The  captain  replied,  "  It  is  the  truth  is  it  not  ? "  "  Yes 
but, — "  replied  the  mate.  The  captain  interrupted  him,"  If  it  is 
the  truth,  the  truth  must  stand.  It  is  written  in  ink  and  cannot 
be  removed  without  injuring  the  book." 

It  was  but  a  short  time  afterward  that  the  captain  was  taken 
iU  and  remained  so  for  a  week.  It  devolved  upon  the  mate  to 
keep  the  log  book.  The  captain  on  recovering  from  his  illness 
got  the  book  to  examine  it  to  see  how  the  mate  had  done  his 
duty.  Imagine  his  consternation  when  he  read  in  each  of  the 
seven  day's  entries,  "The  captain  is  sober  today." 

The  Captain  immediately  called  the  mate  and  indignantly 
questioned  him  in  regard  to  these  entries.^  The  mate  replied, 
"  It  is  the  truth  is  it  not  ?  "  "  Yes  but—"  replied  the  captain. 
The  mate  interrupted  him,  "  If  it  is  the  truth,  the  truth  must 
stand,  must  it  not?  I  have  your  word  that  the  writing  in  ink 
cannot  be  erased." 

? 
Bonnie  — "You  drink  another  drop  and  I'll  leave  you  !  " 
Jim  — "  Is  that  a  threat  or  a  promise  ?  " 

62 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


DIDN'T  FIND  HER  HONEY 

A  young  married  womcin  from  the  South,  who  was  visiting 
New  York  a  few  days  ago  with  her  husband,  left  him  in  their 
hotel  room  one  morning  while  she  went  on  cin  errand.  She  was 
not  accustomed  to  big  hotels  nor  to  big  New  York,  but  she  got 
back  without  mishap  in  half  an  hour  and  knocked  at  the  door. 
There  was  no  response. 

"  Let  me  in,  honey,"  said  the  young  woman  knocking  more 
vigorously. 

Still  no  response. 

"  Honey,  let  me  in,"  called  the  young  woman,  redoubling  her 
exertions.     "  Honey,  honey,  let  me  in." 

She  rattled  the  knob  and  shook  the  door  and  pounded  with 
both  fists,  but  there  was  the  silence  of  the  grave  on  the  other 
side.     The  young  woman's  voice  rose  to  half  a  cry. 

"  Honey,  aren't  you  there  ?  I  want  to  get  in.  Honey,  open 
the  door." 

Then  arose  from  the  other  side  of  the  door  a  deep,  bass  voice, 
y/ith  a  resentful  note  in  it : 

"  Madam,"  it  said,  "  this  is  not  a  beehive.  This  is  a  bath- 
room." 


A  DIFFERENCE  IN  LOCATION 
A  father  while  chastising  his  son  with  a  shingle  Sciid,  as  is  usual 
for  conscientious  parents  using  the  rod: 

"  Son,  this  hurts  me  a  great  deal  worse  than  it  does  you." 
"  Perhaps  so.  Pa,"  said  he  through  his  sobs,  "  but  not  in  the 
same  place." 

63 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


A  SHOCK 

A  young  man,  whom  we  may  call  Johnson,  because  that  was 
not  his  real  neime,  was  married  several  days  ago,  and  it  occurred 
to  him  that  he  would  take  his  bride  to  a  town  which  he  knew 
well  on  their  honeymoon. 

He  was  particularly  desirous  of  visiting  this  town,  as  he  told 
his  bride,  because  at  the  hotel  where  he  intended  sta)dng  "  they 
served  such  delicious  honey  at  every  meal." 

"  This  will  be  delightful,"  said  Mrs.  Johnson. 

The  couple  arrived  at  the  hotel  in  due  course,  and  they  were 
just  in  time  for  tea.  Johnson  escorted  his  bride  proudly  to  a 
table  in  the  dining-room,  and  then,  after  an  admiring  glance  at 
her,  looked  quizzically  round  the  board. 

There  weis  no  honey  on  the  table,  and  none  in  the  room. 
Johnson  was  surprised  and  called  a  waiter. 

"  See  here,"  said  he,  "  where's  my  honey  ?  " 

The  Wciiter  seemed  at  a  loss  as  to  what  to  say,  but  finaJly 
leaned  forward,  cind  in  a  stage  whisper  said,  "  She  don't  work 
here  no  more  ! " 


HE  DIDNT  HAVE  THE  HEART 

A  young  physician  was  once  called  in  by  a  gentleman  who 
had  a  very  sick  mother-in-law.  After  looking  into  the  case 
carefully,  the  young  M.  D.  called  the  gentleman  aside  and  said  : 

"  Well,  the  only  thing  I  can  suggest  is  to  send  your  mother- 
in-law  to  a  warmer  climate." 

The  man  disappeared  and  ccime  back  with  an  axe  a  moment 
later,  and  exclciimed : 

*'  Here,  doctor,  you  kill  her.     I  really  haven't  the  heart." 
64 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


BUY  A  RAT 

"  Is  this  dog  a  good  ratter  ?  "  young  Cardeza  asked. 

"  Oh,  excellent,"  replied  the  dealer. 

"  Well,  we'll  try  him,"  said  Mr.  Cardeza. 

Accordingly  the  terrier  was  lowered  into  a  pit,  eind  a  groom 
brought  a  huge  rat  and  dropped  it  down  beside  him. 

Rat  and  terrier  rushed  at  one  cuiother,  and  the  rat  bit  his 
opponent  on  the  nose.  Instantly,  with  a  loud  howl,  the  dog  gave 
up  the  battle. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Cardeza,  turning  to  the  dealer  with  a  smile, 
"  your  terrier  is  no  good  at  all.  How  would  you  like  to  buy  a 
rat  ?  " 


HAD  LIMITATIONS 

On  a  certain  building  job  some  years  ago  the  contractor,  who 
was  a  politician,  put  in  a  hod-hoisting  machine  and  discharged 
the  men  who  had  been  doing  that  work.  A  hod  carrier  who 
had  been  thrown  out  of  employment  by  the  change  came  around 
a  couple  of  days  after  to  see  how  the  new  apparatus  worked. 
He  watched  it  for  awhile  in  silence,  and  finally  exclaimed : — 

"  Ye're  all  roight.     Ye' re  a-a-1  roight,  but  ye  can't  vote." 


BARBARIC 

In  Plainfield,  N.  J.,  a  Quaker  gentleman  riding  in  a  carriage 
with  a  fashionable  girl  decked  with  a  profusion  of  jewelry,  heard 
her  complciin  of  the  cold.  Shivering  in  her  lace  bonnet  and 
shawl  as  light  as  a  cobweb,  she  exclciimed : — 

"  What  shall  I  do  to  get  warm  ?  " 

"  I  really  don't  know,"  replied  the  Quaker,  solemnly,  "  unless 
thee  should  put  on  another  breastpin." 

65 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


IN   BEANTOWN 

A  Kentuckian  came  East  recently  to  spend  a  few  weeks  with 
a  friend  who  resided  in  one  of  Boston's  best  known  suburban 
towns.  A  few  days  after  his  arrival  he  went  into  the  City  Hall 
and  spent  the  day,  and  finally  reached  Young's  Hotel.  When 
evening  arrived  the  bartender  noticed  that  he  was  in  a  brown 
study. 

"  What  is  the  matter,  colonel  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  I  am  in  a  bad  fix,"  said  the  colonel.  I  can't  think  of  the 
route  to  go  out  where  I  am  stopping,  and  I'm  hanged  if  I  can  think 
of  the  name  of  the  place." 

"  Perhaps  I  can  help  you,"  said  the  mixer.  "  Give  me  a  name 
that  sounds  the  most  like  it." 

"  Whiskey  straight,"  saiid  the  colonel. 

"  Oh,  that's  easy,"  said  the  bartender  ;  "  Jamaica  Plain." 

"  Correct,"  seud  the  colonel ; "  a  little  of  the  same,  if  you  please." 


PREFERRED  THE  BURGLAR 
The  burglar's  wife  was  in  the  witness-box  and  the  prosecut'..  ^ 
attorney  was  conducting  a  vigorous  cross-examination. 
"  Madam,  you  are  the  wife  of  this  man  ?  " 

!!  Yes." 

"  You  knew  he  was  a  burglar  when  you  married  him  ?  " 

Yes. 
"  How  did  you  come  to  contract  a  matrimonial  alliance  w' " 
such  a  man  ?  " 

"  Well,"  the  watness  said,  sarcastically,  "  I  was  ge  tii: 
and  had  to  choose  between  a  lawyer  and  a  burgLr. 
The  cross-examination  ended  there. 
66 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


'•  OUT  OF  THE  HEART  THE  MOUTH  SPEAKETH" 
It  was  at  a  recent  preachers'  meeting,  and  three  of  the  brethren 
present  vow  that  it  did  occur.     Brother  Jones  was  drowsy  and 
had  nodded  off  to  sleep.     The  presiding  minister  announced 
that  the  meeting  would  close  with  a  prayer. 
"You  will  lead,  Brother  Jones,"  he  said. 
Brother  Jones'  answer  electrified  the  assemblage. 
"  Darned  if  I  do,"  said  he,  waking  up  suddenly.     "  You  took 
the  last  trick." 

ONE  ON  THE  PROFESSOR 
The  professor  was  walk'ng  down  the  street  when  acci- 
dently  he  allowed  one  foot  to  drop  into  the  gutter.  Thinking 
deeply  on  some  obscure  subject  he  thoughtlessly  continued  on 
walking  with  one  foot  on  the  sidewalk  and  the  other  in  the  gutter. 
A  hiend  of  his,  seeing  him,  stopped  and  said, "  Good  morning, 
Professor." 

"  Good  morning,"  said  he. 
"  How  are  you  feeling  this  moming,  Professor  ?  " 
"  Well,"  said  the  Professor,  "when  I  left  home  this  moming  I 
was  feeling  quite  well,  but  during  the  last  fifteen  minutes  I  notice 
that  I  have  a  limp  in  my  left  leg." 

ACCURATE  AIM  NEEDED 
A  man  went  into  a  Jew  clothing  store  and  tried  on  a  coat 
and  vest.  While  the  Jew  turned  his  back  to  get  the  trousers, 
the  man  ran  out  of  the  store.  A  policeman  came  by  and  pulled 
his  pistol.  The  Jew  called  out  excitedly :  "  Shoot  him  in  the 
pants.     The  coat  and  vest  is  mine." 

67 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


NOT  ON  BOARD 

Proof  was  being  given  as  to  the  fact  of  a  certain  Mr.  Smith 
having  been  on  board  a  steamboat  when  her  boiler  exploded ; 
Mrs.  Smith,  who  lost  both  her  husband  and  trunk,  having  brought 
an  action  for  damages. 

A  German  witness,  on  being  asked  if  he  had  seen  Mr.  Smith 
on  board,  replied  :  "  I  didn't  see  him  on  board  de  boat  de  last 
time." 

"  You  didn't  ?  "  said  the  company's  lawyer,  who  thought  the 
case  was  now  safe.     "  Where  did  you  see  Mr.  Smith  ?  " 

"  Vel,"  said  the  Germanic  one,  **  ven  de  schmoke-pipe  and 
me  vas  going  up,  ve  met  Smith  coming  dowTi." 


KEEP  UP  THE  PITCH 

It  happened  in  a  little  church  where  the  motive  power  for  the 
organ  comes  from  the  strong  arms  of  an  industrious  villager. 

At  a  recent  service  the  choir  got  into  trouble  and,  while  con- 
fusion reigned,  the  orgein  suddenly  stopped.  The  situation  was 
not  relieved  when  a  hoarse  voice  came  from  behind  the  orgein 
and  floated  out  into  the  auditorium. 

It  said:  "Sing  like  thunder,  me  bhoys!  The  bellers  is 
busted ! " 

RACIAL  CHARACTERISTICS 
"  Did  you  ever  notice  the  difference  between  a  German  picnic 
and  an  Irish  picnic  ?  The  Germans  meet  at  the  hall  and  march 
right  out  to  the  picnic.  Do  the  Irish  do  that  ?  Not  on  your 
life.  They've  got  to  march  arouna  town  about  three  hours. 
Every  man  in  the  procession  wants  to  pass  his  own  house." 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


HARD  ON  THE  MUSIC 

Francis  Wilson,  the  comedian,  was  in  New  York  rehearsing 
a  musical  piece  one  hot  day  this  summer.  Everyone  in  the 
company  was  tired  from  their  work  and  the  heat,  and  things  were 
not  running  smoothly. 

As  is  generally  known,  Mr.  Wilson's  voice  compels  him  to 
almost  speak  his  songs.  The  chief  musical  number  of  the  piece 
had  been  sung  four  times,  when  the  musical  director,  who  was 
leading,  ccJled  for  a  repetition. 

The  company  started  it  again,  and  had  sung  only  a  bar  or  two 
when  the  director  stopped  them,  and  tapping  his  baton  angrily 
on  the  footlight  guard,  said :  "Come,  come,  Mr.  Wilson !  You 
are  just  murdering  the  time." 

■'  Well,"  replied  the  actor,  "  it's  better  to  murder  it  at  once 
than  to  be  continually  beating  it  as  you  do." 

Everybody  had  a  laugh,  and  then  the  song  was  rendered  again, 
this  time  without  any  comment  from  the  orchestra. 


FILLED  A  WANT 

He  was  cutting  an  item  from  a  newspaper. 

"  It  tells  how  a  house  was  robbed,  and  I  want  to  show  it  to 
my  wife,"  he  expleiined. 

"  What  good  will  that  do  ?  "  a  friend  inquired. 

"  A  whole  lot,"  was  the  reply.     "  You  see,  this  house  was 
robbed  while  the  man  was  at  church  with  his  wife." 

"  Say ! "  exclaimed  the  friend,  excitedly,  "  you  haven't  got  a 
duplicate  copy  of  that  paper,  have  you  ?  " 

69 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


TRUE  LOGIC 

A  party  of  college  students  knew  an  Irishman  who  used  to 
go  through  the  cemetery  every  night  on  his  way  home,  and 
determined  to  frighten  him.  They  dug  a  grave,  and  placing  a 
few  loose  boards  over  it,  disguised  one  of  their  companions  as  a 
ghost,  and  then  hiding  behind  the  gravestones  awaited  the  de- 
nouement. 

Along  came  the  Irishman,  stubbed  his  toe,  and  biff,  down  he 
went  into  the  open  grave.  As  he  arose  the  ghost  said  to  him, 
in  sepulchral  tones : 

"  What  are  you  doing  in  my  grave  ?  " 

"  Begorra !  what  are  you  doing  out  of  it  ?  " 


NOT  A  VEGETARIAN 

"Children,"  Sciid  a  Sunday  school  teacher  to  her  class  of  small 
boys,  "  God  gave  us  something  that  he  did  not  give  the  lower 
cinimals.     Who  can  tell  what  it  was  ?  " 

A  little  boy  who  had  been  exhibiting  a  cut  finger  rose  to 
reply. 

"  Please  teacher,"  he  said,  "  God  gave  us  blood,  but  he  only 
gave  the  animals  dish  gravy." 


THE  WIT  OUTWITTED 

Principal  Haynes  entered  the  school-room  one  morning  to 
find  on  the  blackboard  the  touching  legend :  "  Our  teacher  is 
a  donkey."  Mr.  Haynes  simply  added  the  word  "  driver"  to 
the  legend  and  opened  the  school  with  prayer  as  usual. 

70 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 

WHY  HE  WAS  SO  SURE 

A  doctor,  whose  practice  was  principally  in  the  rural  districts, 
and  whose  fees  were  chiefly  paid  in  merchandise,  was  driving 
home  one  day  after  making  many  visits.  When  near  his  resi- 
dence he  met  an  old  farmei  patient  drawing  a  load  of  hay,  and 
bringing  his  horse  to  a  halt  said : 

"  John,  I  think  you  owe  me  some  twenty-odd  dollars,  and 
I  am  in  need  of  hay.  When  you  come  to  town  again  bring  me 
a  load." 

Several  days  after  the  doctor  was  returning  to  dinner  at  noon 
and  noticed  a  load  of  hay  overtumed  in  the  road,  with  the 
farmer's  son  forking  it  back  as  fast  as  he  could.  It  being  a  warm 
day  the  doctor  said:  "  I  presume  that  is  my  hay.  Come  to 
the  house  for  dinner,  after  which  you  can  resume  your  labors 
cind  get  the  hay  into  the  bam." 

To  which  the  farmer's  son  replied  :  "  No  thanks ;  I'm  afraid 
father  wouldn't  like  it." 

Repeated  inv^^tations  brought  forth  the  same  response,  but 
finally  the  physician  prevailed  upon  him  to  accompany  him  home. 
All  the  way  to  the  house  and  during  the  meal  the  lad  would 
continually  revert  to  the  accident  and  complain  about  the  dis- 
pleasure of  his  father. 

Finally,  the  doctor  became  exasperated  and  remarked,  "  Whj', 
how  is  your  father  to  know  of  your  being  here,  and  why  should 
he  be  displeased  ?  " 

The  boy  replied  meekly :     "  Well,  father's  under  the  hay." 

THE  EFFECTS  OF  DRINK 

A  drunken  barber  while  shaving  a  minister  cut  him.  The 
minister  said  :  "  You  see  what  drink  does." 

Drunken  barber — "  Yes.     It  makes  the  skin  yerra  tender." 

71 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


THOSE  UNUSED  WINGS 

Bishop  Henry  C.  Potter  tells  a  story  of  a  clergyman  out  West 
who  addressed  a  Sunday-school  class.  After  a  short  discourse 
he  wound  up  by  saying  in  a  very  paternal  and  condescending 
way: 

"  And  now  is  there  a-a-n-y  little  boy  or  a-a-n-y  little  girl  who 
would  like  to  ask  a  question  ?  " 

Getting  no  response,  he  repeated  his  query,  and  then  a  shrill, 
piping  little  voice,  in  the  rear  of  the  room  called  out : 

"  Please,  sir,  why  did  the  angels  walk  up  and  down  Jacob's 
ladder  when  they  had  wings  ?  '* 

"Ah — yes — I  see,"  said  the  nonplused  preacher.  "And 
now,  is  there  a-a-n-y  little  boy  or  girl  who  would  like  to  answer 
little  Mary's  question  ?  " 


A  DEAD  HEAT 

"  What's  the  funniest  thing  I  ever  saw  ?  "  repeated  the  gen- 
tleman of  sporting  tendencies.  "  Well,  I  guess  it  was  a  dead  heat 
in  an  event  where  there  was  only  one  entry." 

"  How  in  the  world  was  that  ?  "  came  from  the  other  end  of 
the  store,  and  when  the  answer  came,  "  A  cremation,"  the 
questioner  ordered  the  drinks. 

A  GOOD  PROFESSION 

John  Wesley  once  asked  a  smaU  boy  at  a  house  where  he  was 

dining,  this  question  :     "  Well,  my  little  boy,  what  are  you  going 

to  be  when  you  grow  up  ?  "     "  Oh,"  seiid  the  boy,  "  I'm  going 

to  be  a  preacher.     There  are  always  such  good  dinners  when 

the  preachers  come." 

72 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


THE  DRUGGIST'S  PROFITS 

"  Here,  son,  fill  this  prescription"  said  a  deaf  man  as  he  walked 
up  to  the  counter  in  a  drug  store  on  the  principal  street  m  town. 

"  All  right,  sir,"  replied  the  obliging  clerk. 

Prescription  filled,  the  clerk  made  a  neat  parcel  of  it,  and, 
handing  it  to  the  customer,  said : — 

"  Seventy-five  cents,  please." 

"  How's  that  ?  "  asked  the  deaf  man. 

"  Seventy-five  cents,"  politely  responded  the  clerk. 

Thrusting  his  right  hand  dovm  into  his  trousers  pocket,  he 
drew  forth  a  nickel  and  passed  it  to  the  clerk. 

"  I  said  seventy-five  cents,"  remarked  the  clerk. 

"  Well,  didn't  I  give  it  to  you  ?  "  innocently  responded  the 
customer. 

"  This  is  not  enough  ;  your  bill  is  75  cents,"  was  the  clerk's 
answer. 

"  Did  I  give  you  more  than  5  cents  ?  "  queried  the  aged  man. 

"'  No,  you  did  not ;  I  want  75  cents,"  was  the  clerk's  reply. 

"There's  your  5  cents.  What's  the  matter  with  you?" 
indignantly  answered  the  customer. 

"  Oh,  go  to  the  dickens !  I  made  2  cents  on  you,  anyway ! " 
angrily  retorted  the  drug  clerk. 

MUST  HAVE  BEEN  BLIND 

A  young  man  asked  a  widow  to  marry  him. 
"  What's  the  difference  between  myself  and  Willard  Pond's 
Jersey  cow  ?  "  asked  the  widow. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  the  young  man. 
"Then,"  said  the  widow,  "you'd  better  marry  the  cow." 
73 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


COULDN'T  PLACE  CHAUNCEY 
"  Not  very  long  ago,"  said  Sen.  Depew,  "  while  travelling  in 
an  ordinary  passenger  coach  on  the  way  to  an  up-state  towT.,  I 
got  on  pretty  good  terms  with  the  train  boy.  When  he  had 
finished  his  rounds  he  came  back  to  me  'to  chin  a  bit,'  as  he 
said. 

Do  you  know,'  he  said,  '  that  I  can  tell  by  looking  at  a 
man  mighty  near  what  he  is.  Now,  there's  that  fellow  over 
there  in  the  comer.  He's  a  Chicago  drummer.  I  can  tell  him 
by  the  way  he  lets  his  money  go  and  the  flip  style  he  has  when 
he  talks  to  people.  And  that  chap  over  there  with  the  silk  hat 
on  is  a  preacher  from  a  country  town.  I'm  dead  sure.  I'll  gi 
ask  him  if  you  say  so.' 

"  I  didn't  say  so,  because  I  didn't  care  a  continental,  but  I 
asked  him  what  he  thought  I  was.  He  looked  me  over  for  a 
minute  carefully,  as  if  he  felt  his  reputation  depended  upon  a 
correct  answer: 

Well,'  he  said  at  last,  *  you've  got  plenty  of  dough,  but  I 
ain't  dead  sure  whether  you  are  a  politician  or  a  gambler.'  " 


THE  PARSON  AND  THE  "  LIGHT " 

A  parson  had  had  a  call  from  a  little  country  parish  to  a  large 

cind  wealthy  one  in  a  big  cily.     He  asked  time  for  prayer  and 

consideration.     He  did  not  feel  sure  of  his  light.     A  month 

passed.     Some  one  met  his  youngest  son.     "  How  is  it,  Josiah  ; 

is  your  father  going  to  B ?  " 

"Well,"  answered  the   youngster  judicially,    "paw   is  still 
prayin'  for  light,  but  most  of  the  things  is  packed." 

74 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


EVIDENCE  BY  INFERENCE 

Everybody  had  enjoj'ed  themselves  at  the  party,  for  like  every 
Irish  festive  gathering  it  had  ended,  according  to  the  decrees  of 
conventionality,  in  a  fight,  and  the  sequel  v/as  now  being  fought 
out  before  a  magistrate. 

The  witness  for  the  prosecution,  who  had  a  lump  over  one  eye, 
a  black  and  blue  spot  under  the  other,  and  a  nose  that  pointed 
decidedly  awry,  and  various  strips  of  court  plaster  on  his  face 
e\-idently  arranged  without  any  regard  to  their  artistic  effect, 
testified  that  the  defendant  had  knocked  him  senseless  and  then 
kicked  him  in  the  head  and  face  for  several  minutes. 

"  If  he  knocked  you  senseless,"  asked  the  magistrate,  "  how 
do  you  know  he  kicked  you  after  you  were  down  ?  " 

The  witness  scratched  his  jaw  and  reflected. 

"  I  know  it,  yer  honor,"  he  replied,  "  'cause  that's  what  I'd 
a'  done  to  him,  the  playbuoy,  if  I'd  got  him  down,  an'  I'm  sure 
he'd  serve  me  the  same  way  entoirely  !  " 


MISPLACED  PITY 

Dr.  Edward  Bedloe,  formerly  United  States  Consul  at  Canton, 
says  that  one  day,  during  a  conversation  with  the  wife  of  the 
British  Vice-Consul  at  that  port,  the  question  of  the  cheapness 
of  human  life  in  China  became  a  point  of  discussion. 

The  English  official's  wife  was  horrified  when  the  fact  was 
referred  to  that  a  Chinese  condemned  to  death  may  always  find 
a  substitute  to  die  in  his  place. 

"  Isn't  that  awful !  "  exclaimed  the  fair  Briton.  "  And  I 
understand  that  many  a  poor  fellow  earns  his  living  by  acting 
as  substitute  in  that  horrible  manner !  " 

75 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


•'  AND  A  LITTLE  CHILD  LED  THEM  " 

A  little  child  was  crying  miserably  one  afternoon  in  Moscow. 
He  walked  slowly  down  one  of  the  principal  streets,  and  his 
howls  soon  brought  a  big  crowd  around  him. 

"What  is  the  matter,  my  child?  What  troubles  you?" 
every  one  5isked. 

The  boy  paused  finally.  He  looked  at  the  multitude  which 
had  assembled.  Then,  lifting  up  his  voice,  he  shouted  in  a  shrill 
treble : 

"  I'm  lost.  Will  somebody  please  take  me  home  to  Ivan 
Troubetskoy,  the  champion  clothier  of  the  South  End,  who  has 
just  got  in  his  new  stock  of  spring  overcoats,  suits,  neckties,  shirts, 
hats  and.  umbrellas,  which  he  will  sell  cheaper  than  any  one  else 
in  the  city  ?  " 


BAD  WATCH 

Ex-Judge  Augustus  Van  Wyck  was  talking  about  the  negro 
in  the  south  when  he  mentioned  a  contractor  who  used  a  great 
many  colored  laborers.  "  He  worked  the  negroes  as  long  as  it 
was  daylight,"  said  Mr.  Van  Wyck,  "  though  he  had  hired  them 
only  for  1 0  hours  from  7  a.  m.  until  6  p.  m.,  with  an  hour  out 
for  dinner. 

"  One  day  one  of  the  negroes  approached  the  boss  and  asked 
the  time  of  day,  the  sun  being  near  the  western  horizon.  The 
contractor  looked  at  his  watch,  which  indicated  6.40,  and 
answered :  '  It  is  a  quarter  past  5.     Get  back  to  work  there.* 

'* '  Say,  boss,'  said  the  negro,  '  when  you  die  you  may  go  to 
heaven,  but  that  watch  of  yours  will  shuah  go  to  hell.' " 

76 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


BETTER  THAN  PREFERRED 

"  Any  thing  in  the  river  and  harbor  bill  for  me  ?  "  Represen- 
tative Beidler  asked  Chciirman  Burton. 

"  Not  a  dollar,"  Mr.  Burton  answered. 

"  You're  almost  as  candid  as  a  friend  of  mine  in  Cincinnati. 
He  v^ent  to  a  friend  and  borrowed  $  1 000.  The  next  day  he 
fciiled,  with  a  long  list  of  creditors. 

" '  You're  a  fine  friend,'  said  the  lender,  going  up  to  the  bor- 
rower. '  Here  you  have  my  $  1 000  emd  I  am  not  even  in  the 
list  of  preferred  creditors.' 

'"Oh,  that's  all  right,  old  man,'  answered  the  borrower. 
'  You  know  now  that  you  won't  get  anything,  and  the  others 
won't  know  it  for  two  years.' " 


A  LOCAL  PLEDGE 

A  talented  gentleman  in  Massachusetts  was  given  to  strong 
drink,  but  was  induced  to  sign  the  pledge  with  severaJ  others. 
Shortly  after  he  had  occasion  to  go  to  Providence,  where  almost 
the  first  thing  he  did  was  to  get  drunk.  The  news  of  this  reached 
home  before  he  did,  and  on  his  arrival  he  was  called  to  account 
as  follows : 

"  Mr. ,  we  understand  that  you  have  violated  the  regu- 
lations of  our  order." 

"  You  are  wrong ;  I  have  not." 

"  We  are  informed  that  you  were  intoxicated  in  Providence." 

"  Quite  true ;  1  was ;  but  I  don't  belong  to  any  temperance 
society  in  Rhode  Island,     It's  in  Massachusetts." 

77 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


TOO  MUCH  CURIOSITY 
A  dangerous  operation  was  being  performed  upon  a  woman. 

Old  Doctor  A ,  a  quaint  German,  full  of  kindly  wit  and 

professional  enthusiasm,  had  several  younger  doctors  with  him. 
One  of  them  was  administering  the  ether.  He  became  so 
interested  in  the  old  doctor's  work  that  he  withdrew  the  cone 
from  the  patient's  nostrils  and  she  half-roused  and  rose  to  a  sit- 
ting posture,  looking  with  wild-eyed  amazement  over  the  sur- 
roundings.    It  was  a  critical  period,  and  Doctor  A did  not 

want  to  be  interrupted.  "  Lay  down,  dere,  voman,"  he  com- 
manded gruffly.     "  You  haf  more  curiosity  as  a  medical  student." 


THE  OTHER  WAY 
A  company  promoter  arrived  at  the  gates  of  Heaven.  St. 
Peter  as  usual  was  on  the  watch.  "  Will  you  kindly  step  into 
the  elevator  ?  "  said  he.  The  company  promoter  did  as  he  was 
told,  but  was  kept  waiting  a  long  time.  At  last  he  grew 
impatient :  "  Will  you  kindly  tell  me  when  the  elevator  goes 
up  ?  "     "  It  does  not  go  up,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  it  goes  down." 

NOT  A  DEAD  BEAT 

A  wealthy  young  man  called  at  the  undertaker's  and  identified 
a  corpse  as  his  father.  He  gave  orders  for  elaborate  burial. 
Just  as  he  was  leaving,  he  took  a  last  look  and  observed  that 
the  lower  jaw  had  fallen,  exposing  a  set  of  false  teeth.  "  That's 
not  my  father,"  said  he,  and  immediately  left. 

The  undertaker  yanked  the  body  out  of  a  handsome  coffin," 
slapped  it  down  on  the  slab  and  said  to  it :  "  You  d —  fool ! 
If  you'd  kept  your  mouth  shut,  you'd  got  a  first-class  funeral." 

78 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


IN  THE  COURT-ROOM 

The  court  and  jury,  as  well  as  the  general  public  enjoy  the 
scene  when  a  lawyer,  in  an  attempt  to  badger  or  browbeat  a 
witness,  comes  off  second  best  in  the  encounter.  An  cimusing 
incident  of  this  sort  happened  a  few  years  ago  in  a  court-room. 
The  plcdntiff,  who  was  a  lady,  was  called  upon  to  testify.  She 
got  on  very  well,  cind  made  a  favorable  impression  on  the  jur>% 
under  the  guidance  of  her  counsel,  until  the  opposing  counsel 
subjected  her  to  a  sharp  cross-examination.  This  so  confused 
her  that  she  became  faint,  and  fell  to  the  floor  in  a  swoon.  In 
cross-examining  the  next  witness  the  counsel  asked  : 

"  Did  you  see  the  plaintiff  faint  a  short  time  ago  ?  '* 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  People  turn  pale  when  they  faint,  don't  they  ?" 

"  No,  not  always. " 

"  Did  you  ever  hear  of  a  case  of  faiinting  where  the  pcirty  did 
not  turn  pale  ?  " 
Yes,  sir. 

"  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  case  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"When?" 

"  About  a  year  ago." 

"  Where  was  it  ?  " 

"  In  this  city." 

"  WTio  was  it  ?  " 

"  Twas  a  negro,  sir." 

Peal  after  peal  shook  the  court-room,  in  which  the  venerable 
judge  joined.  The  defendant's  counsel  lost  his  case,  not  to  say 
his  temper. 

79 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


RUDYARD  KIPLING'S  LOWER  BERTH 

The  late  Cecil  Rhodes  was  a  proverbially  poor  sleeper,  eind 
always  avoided  upper  berths  in  sleeping-cars.  This  fact  his 
friend,  Rudyard  Kipling,  knew.  One  night,  on  a  Cape  Town 
railroad,  with  a  night  trip  before  them,  Kipling  offered  to  attend 
to  the  sleeping  arrangements.  The  trciin  was  crowded,  and 
there  were  but  two  berths  left :  an  upper  and  a  lower.  The 
latter  Kipling  kept  for  himself,  and  after  the  train  had  started  he 
gave  the  upper  to  Rhodes,  who  vigorously  objected;  but  Kipling 
was  obdurate :  he  could  not  sleep  in  an  upper,  always  rolled 
out,  etc.,  etc.  Rhodes  realized  that  he  was  the  victim  of  a  joke. 
He  decided  to  bide  his  time.     TTie  two  went  to  bed. 

In  the  middle  of  the  night  Rhodes,  who  had  not  slept  a 
wank,  was  disturbed  by  the  train  stopping  and  the  talking  of  a 
passenger  and  the  porter.  There  were  no  berths,  the  porter 
explained  ;  the  lady  would  have  to  sit  up  for  the  rest  of  the  night 
in  another  car,  Rhodes  looked  out.  The  lady  was  past  middle 
age. 

"  Excuse  me,  madam,"  said  Rhodes,  with  his  head  between 
the  curteiins,  "perhaps  I  can  be  of  service  to  you.  My  name  is 
Cecil  Rhodes " 

The  lady  bowed. 

"  In  the  berth  directly  beneath  me,"  continued  Rhodes,  "  is 
my  seven-year-old  nephew.  He  is  small,  the  berth  is  wide,  and 
if  you  don't  mind  occupying  a  berth  with  a  little  boy  I  shall  be 
most  pleased  to  have  you." 

Tlie  lady  bowed  her  most  profuse  thanks. 

"  Not  at  all,  madam,"  Sciid  Rhodes ;  it's  perhaps  better  than 
nothing.  Simply  push  the  boy  to  the  farthest  side  of  the  berth 
and  you  will  find  there  is  plenty  of  room." 

80 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


The  eyes  of  the  porter  fairly  bulged. 

Then  the  head  of  Cecil  Rhodes  withdrew,  and  he  waited. 
He  heard  the  lady  partially  disrobe,  felt  the  curtains  part,  and 
then  came  a  sudden  commotion,  and  a  voice : 

"  What  in  thunder " 

Then  the  lady's  voice  : 

"Oh,  you  bad  little  boy.  You  move  right  over  there. 
Your  uncle  says " 

And  in  the  commotion  that  followed  a  loud,  regular  snore 
came  from  the  upper  berth. 


A  LAME  EXCUSE 

After  finishing  Vergilius  one  summer  Irving  Bacheller  went 
down  to  a  certain  little  rural  village  in  Pennsylvania  to  rest. 
His  doctor  had  recommended  horseback  riding,  and  finding  it 
difficult  to  hire  a  suitable  mount  he  finally  bought  a  horse  from 
an  elderly  man  who  wore  the  regulation  long  drab  coat  and 
broad-brimmed  hat  of  the  old  fashioned  Quaker.  It  was  a  likely- 
locking  nag,  and  Bacheller  felt  much  pleased  over  the  transaction. 
Mounting,  he  rode  off,  but  before  he  had  gone  a  mile  the  animal 
developed  a  decided  case  of  lameness.  Bacheller  turned  back, 
and  shortly  he  met  the  Quaker  plodding  along  the  road.  The 
rider  drew  up  and  started  to  speak,  when  the  man  held  up  both 
hands  and  said: 

'*  No,  no  ;  thee  must  not  ask  me  to  take  back  the  horse." 
"  Oh,  I  wasn't  going  to,"  returned  Bacheller  softly.     "  All  I 
want  is  that  you  lend  me  your  hat  and  coat  till  I  can  sell  him  to 

some  one  else  " 

81 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


VENGEANCE 

A  travelKng  man  went  into  a  station  cafe  and  ordered  a  plate 
of  beans.  After  he  had  eaten  them  the  proprietor  handed  liim 
a  check  for  50c.  The  gentleman,  on  noticing  the  exhorbitant 
charge  for  this  simple  item  said,  "Your  beans  are  too  high." 
The  proprietor  of  the  cafe,  however,  was  rather  surly  in  his 
manner  and  would  give  him  no  satisfaction.  The  travelling 
man  was  quite  angry,  but  nevertheless,  paid  his  bill. 

As  he  left  the  station  he  got  several  telegraph  blanks  at  the 
telegraph  office.  When  he  got  on  board  of  his  train  he  filled 
out  these  blanks  with  the  words  "  Your  beans  are  too  high." 
At  the  first  stop  he  hastily  got  off,  rushed  into  the  telegraph 
office  and  sent  the  telegram  collect,  and  returned  to  his  train. 
At  the  next  stop  he  repeated  this  same  thing  and  again  at  the 
third  stop. 

Rumor  has  it  that  the  proprietor  of  the  cafe  is  in  the  asylum 
for  the  insane. 


CAR  FARE  ONLY 

An  Irishman,  the  proprietor  of  a  well-known  and  popular 
saloon,  was  balancing  his  receipts  for  the  day  with  the  tally  of 
the  cash  register.  Things  didn't  quite  jibe.  Turning  to  one  of 
his  clerks,  he  said  : 

"  Say,  Diimy,  did  an'ny  of  ye  take  money  from  this  machine 
lasht  noight  ?  " 

"  Why,  no.  Mister  P ,  nothing  but  our  car  fare,"  re- 
sponded the  clerk. 

"  Ye're  car  fare !  Car-rr  fare !  Where  are  ye  goin',  to  San 

Francisco  ?  " 

82 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


MONEY  NO  OBJECT 
A  lively-looking  porter  stood  on  the  rear  of  a  Pullman  car  in 
the  Pennsylvania  depot.  A  fussy  and  choleric-looking  old  man 
clambered  up  the  steps.  He  stopped  on  the  platform,  puffed  a 
moment,  and  then  turned  to  the  young  colored  man  in  uniform 
and  said :     "  Porter ! " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  I  am  going  to  St.  Louis  to  the  fair.  I  want  to  be  well  taken 
care  of  and  can  pay  for  it.     Do  you  understand  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir ;  I  hope — " 

"  Never  mind  what  you  hope.  You  listen  to  what  I  say. 
Keep  the  train  boys  away  from  me.  Dust  me  off  whenever  I 
want  you  too.  Give  me  an  extra  blanket,  and  if  any  fellow  has 
the  berth  above  me,  slide  him  over  into  another  one.  I  want 
you  to — " 

"  But,  say,  boss,  I — " 

"  Don't  talk  too  much  young  man.  Here's  $2.  Now  I 
want  to  get  the  good  of  it.     Not  a  word,  sir." 

The  train  was  starting.     The  porter  swung  off  to  the  platform. 

"  All  right,  boss,"  he  shouted.  "  I'm  powerfully  sorry  you 
wouldn't  let  me  talk,  but  I  ain't  going  out  on  that  train." 


COULDN'T  TRUST  HIMSELF 
The  baby  was  yelling  at  the  rate  of  a  mile  a  minute  and  the 
father  and  mother  stood  over  the  crib,  with  the  laudanum  bottle 
between  them.     "  No,"  he  said,  "  you  pour  it  out,  Sara,  I  can't 

trust  myself." 

83 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


HE  HAD  FAITH  IN  THE  DOCTOR 

A  young  English  laborer  went  to  the  register's  office  to  record 
his  father's  death.     The  register  asked  the  date  of  death. 

"  Well,  father  ain't  dead  yet,"  was  the  reply;  "  but  he  will 
be  dead  before  morning,  and  I  thought  it  would  save  me  another 
trip  if  you  would  put  it  down  now." 

"  Oh,  that  won't  do  at  all,"  said  the  register.  "  Why,  your 
father  may  be  well  before  morning." 

"  Ah,  no,  he  won't,"  said  the  young  laborer.  "  Our  doctor 
says  he  won't,  and  he  knows  what  he's  giving  father." 

THE  SAME  COLOR 

A  colleague  tells  an  amusing  story  in  which  Senator  John  T. 
Morgan,  who  is  quite  near-sighted,  is  the  main  figure. 

It  appears  that  the  Alabama  statesman,  while  at  dessert  one 
evening  in  a  hotel  at  Hot  Springs,  Virginia,  experienced  con- 
siderable difficulty  in  separating  from  the  plate  passed  him  by 
the  colored  waiter  what  he  thought  was  a  chocolate  eclair.  It 
stuck  fast,  so  Senator  Morgan  pushed  his  fork  quite  under  it, 
and  tried  again  and  again  to  pry  it  up. 

Suddenly  he  became  aware  that  his  friends  at  the  table  were 
convulsed  with  laughter,  which  much  mystified  him.  But  his 
surprise  was  even  greater  when  the  waiter  quietly  remarked : 

"  Pardon  me,  Senator,  but  that's  my  thumb  !  " 

CURIOSITY 
An  Irishman  saw  an  anchor.     He  stayed  around  watching 
it  for  three  days.     Someone  asked  him  what  he  was  waiting 
for.     He  said :  "  I'm  waiting  to  see  the  man  that  uses  that  pick." 

84 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


GOOD  MEASURE 
"  My  friend  Casey,  had  a  friend  named  Sullivan,  who  was 
very  sick,  and  as  there  was  no  one  else  avaUable  Casey  told  the 
physician  that  he  would  sit  up  with  him.  Well,  the  doctor 
told  Casey  to  administer  a  powder  at  1  0  o'clock  and  to  give  him 
just  what  he  could  get  on  a  dime  and  no  more.  He  took  a 
dime  from  his  pocket  and  showed  Casey  the  necessary  portion 
and  cautioned  him  against  giving  an  overdose.  Casey  said  he 
understood  and  the  doctor  left— of  course  without  leaving  the 
dime.  The  next  morning  when  he  called  he  found  the  man 
dead.  He  said  to  Casey,  'did  you  give  him  the  dose  1  pre- 
scribed ? '  Casey  said,  *  of  course  I  did.  I  didn't  have  a  dime 
so  I  put  it  on  two  nickels.' " 

A  TRANSMIGRATION  OF  A  SOUL 
A  college  sport  got  a  little  the  worse  for  wear  the  other  day 
and  his  "friends"  put  him  to  bed  in  a  hotel.  They  covered  his  body 
with  vaseline  and  gave  him  a  coat  of  feathers  from  the  pillow. 
Then  they  closed  all  the  windows,  turned  on  the  steam  and  left 
him.  When  he  awoke  he  caught  sight  of  himself  in  a  mirror. 
"  Great  Scott ! "  said  he.     "  In  hell  and  a  bird." 

AN  EXPERT 

Mrs.  Tizzletop  overheard   her   son,  Johnny,   swear  like  a 

trooper. 

"  Why,  Johnny,"  she  exclaimed,  "  Who  taught  you  to  swear 

like  that?" 

"  Taught  me  to  swear,"  exclaimed  Johnny,  "  Why,  it's  me 

who  teaches  the  other  boys." 

85 


AFTER    DINNER   STORIES 


PAT'S  FEAR 
An  old  Irishman  who  had  recendy  recovered  from  a  severe 
attack  of  sickness,  chanced  to  meet  his  parish  priest,  who  had 
been  summoned  during  his  illness  to  administer  the  rites  of  the 
church  to  the  dying,  as  he  was  considered  to  be  near  death's 
door,  and  the  following  conversation  took  place :  "  Ah,  Pat,  I  see 
you  out  again.  We  thought  you  were  gone  sure.  You  had  a 
pretty  serious  time  of  it."  "  Yis,  yer  riverence,  indade  I  did." 
"  When  you  were  so  near  death's  door,  were  you  not  afraid  to 
meet  your  God,  your  Maker  ?"  "  No,  indade,  your  riverence. 
It  was  the  other  gintlemin." 


SARCASM 
A  pompous  lawyer  spoke  sarcastically  to  the  keeper  of  an 
apple-stand :  "  Your  business  cares  seem  to  wear  upon  you. 
You  should  go  into  something  which  is  not  so  trying  to  the 
brain."  "Oh,  'taint  business,"  replied  the  apple-seller-  "it's 
lyin*  awake  nights  tryin'  to  decide  whether  to  leave  my  fortune 
to  an  orphan  asylum,  or  to  a  home  for  played-out  old  lawyers, 
as  is  killing  me !  " 


WOULD  GET  BETTER  RESULTS 
A  little  boy  was  sitting  behind  a  bald-headed  man  at  church, 
who  was  scratching  the  fringe  of  hair  on  one  side  of  his  bald 
pate.     The  old  gentleman  kept  it  up  so  long  that  at  last  the  little 
boy  became  interested,  and,  leaning  over,  said : 

"  Say,  mister,  you'll  never  catch  him  there.     Why  don't  you 
run  him  out  in  the  open  ? 

86 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


BETTER  THAN  /ESOP 

Once  upon  a  time  two  frogs  fell  into  a  jar  of  milk. 

One  of  them  being  well  frightened  croaked  at  the  top  of  his 
voice  for  assistance. 

He  did  this  until  he  was  exhausted,  then  sank  and  was 
drowned. 

The  other  struck  out  with  his  hind  legs  and  paddled  and 
paddled  until  he  had  churned  the  milk  into  butter.  Then  he 
got  on  top  of  the  butter  lump  euid  sat  there  until  he  was  rescued 
amd  hopped  off. 

Moral :     Keep  kicking  cind  you'll  land  somewhere  eJl  right! 


OUR  WESTERN  RAILROADS 
A  traveller  tells  the  story  of  the  time  he  was  crossing  a  stretch 
of  prairie  on  a  one-horse  railroad,  when  suddenly  the  train 
stopped  without  any  apparent  reason.  After  a  wait  of  nearly 
an  hour  the  conductor  came  sneaking  through  the  trciin  with  a 
shamefaced  ciir  as  he  met  the  glances  of  the  exasperated  passen- 
gers. He  came  to  the  narrator  and  stopped  and  leaning  over, 
said  in  a  whisper:  "Have  you  got  a  piece  of  string?  We 
want  to  fix  the  engine." 


THE  PATIENT'S  RESENTMENT 
The  physicians  were  holding  a  consultation  beside  the  cot  of 
a  man  supposed  to  have  appendicitis  concealed  about  his  person. 
"  I  believe,"  said  one  of  the  surgeons,  "  that  we  should  wait 
and  let  him  get  stronger  before  cutting  into  him." 

Before  the  other  prospective  operators  could  reply  the  patient 
turned  his  head  and  remarked  feebly: 

"  What  do  you  take  me  for — a  cheese  ?" 
87 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 


A  QULER  CHARGE 

Mr.  Sissons  stammered  outrageously.  Especially  difficult  to 
him  was  the  pronunciation  of  his  own  name.  He  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  stay  out  late  and  uproariously  one  night  and  to  account 
for  it  before  the  magistrate  at  the  police  court  next  morning. 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  "  asked  Justice  McGowan. 

Sissons  began  his  reply :     "  Sss-ss-sss-ss-siss" — 

"  Stop  that  noise  and  tell  me  what  is  your  name,"  said  the 
judge,  impatiently. 

"  Siss-sss-sss-sissss  — 

"  That  will  do,"  said  his  honor,  severely.  "  Officer,  what  is 
that  man  charged  with  ?" 

"  I  think,  your  honor,  he's  charged  wid  sody-water." 


WOULD  BE  QUITE  A  LINGUIST 
"Wanted — A  man  on  a  farm.     Must  speak  French  and 
German  and  understand  horses  and  cows." 


NO  EXAGGERATION 
Ethel  told  Nan  that  she  had  a  cat  that  could  jump  as  high  as 
Bunker  Hill  monument  and  when  Nan  looked  incredulous  Ethel 
said :     "  Well,  how  high  can  Bunker  HiU  monument  jump  ?  " 

ONE  TURN  MORE 
"  The  difference  between  rheumatism  and  the  gout  is  this : 
You  put  your  finger  in  a  vice  and  turn  the  screw  until  you  can 
bear  the  pain  no  longer — that's  rheumatism.     Then  you  give  it 
one  turn  more — that's  the  gout." 

88 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


THE  BREECHES  ON  THE  WRONG  MAN 
Bret  Harte  was  so  frequently  complimented  on  being  the 
author  of  "  Little  Breeches"  that  he  was  almost  as  sorry  it  was 
ever  written  as  is  Secretary  John  Hay,  who  would  prefer  his 
fame  to  rest  on  more  ambitious  work.  A  gushing  lady  who 
prided  herself  upon  her  literary  tastes  said  to  him  once :  "  Mr. 
Harte,  I  am  so  delighted  to  meet  you.  I  have  read  everything 
you  ever  wrote,  but  of  all  your  dialect  verse  there  is  none  that 
compares  to  your  *  Little  Breeches.' " 

"  I  quite  agree  with  you,  madam,"  said  Mr.  Harte;  "  but  you 
have  put  the  little  breeches  on  the  wrong  man." 

HIS  PRICE 
A  wealthy  New  York  syndicate  decided  not  long  ago  to  try 

to  purchase  the  New  York  "  Herald."     So  this  cablegram  was 

dispatched  to  James  Gordon  Bennett  in  Paris : 

"  What  is  your  lowest  selling  price  for  '  Herald  '  ?  " 
Promptly  came  the  answer :  "  Daily,  three  cents ;  Sunday, 

five  cents.     Bennett." 


ANOTHER  ON  PAT 

While  walking  through  a  Western  freight  yard,  Patrick,  who 
had  been  in  this  country  but  a  short  time,  noticed  the  name  on 
one  of  the  cars. 

Spelling  it  over,  letter  by  letter  to  himself  he  read  M-I-C-H, 
Mike  I-G-A-N-I  gan,  Mike  Igan.  "  Shure"  said  he  to  a  pass- 
erby, "  I  knew  Mike  in  the  owld  counthry  as  poor  as  I  am  and 
now  the  sassenach  owns  the  whole  railroad." 

89 


AFTER  DINNER  STORIES 

HE  WAS  NERVOUS,  ALL  RIGHT 

"  A  travelling  man  stopped  at  an  Indiana  hotel,"  says  the 
"  Indianapolis  News."  "The  proprietor  told  him  he  had  not  a 
room  in  the  house.  The  man  protested.  He  must  have  a 
room.  Finally  the  proprietor  told  him  there  was  a  room,  a  little 
room  separated  by  a  thin  partition  hom  a  nervous  man,  a  man 
who  had  lived  in  the  house  for  ten  years. 

"  '  He  is  so  nervous,'  said  the  landlord,  '  I  don't  dare  put  any 
one  in  that  room.  The  least  noise  might  give  him  a  nervous 
spell  that  would  endanger  his  life.' 

Oh,  give  me  a  room,'  said  the  traveller.     '  I'll  be  so  quiet 
he'll  not  know  I'm  there.' 

"  The  room  was  given  the  traveller.  He  slipped  in  noiselessly 
and  began  to  disrobe.  He  took  off  one  article  of  clothing  after 
cinother  as  quietly  as  a  burglar.  At  last  he  came  to  his  shoes. 
He  unlaced  a  shoe  and  then,  manlike,  dropped  it. 

"  The  shoe  fell  to  the  Hoor  with  a  great  noise.  The  offend- 
ing traveller,  horrified  at  what  he  had  done,  waited  to  hear  from 
the  nervous  man.  Not  a  sound.  He  took  off  the  second  shoe 
and  placed  it  noiselessly  upon  the  floor ;  then  in  absolute  silence 
finished  undressing  and  crawled  between  the  sheets. 

"  Half  an  hour  went  by.  He  had  dropped  into  a  doze  when 
there  came  a  tremendous  knocking  on  the  partition. 

"  The  traveller  sat  up  in  bed  trembling  and  dismayed.  '  Wh- 
wha-what's  the  matter  ?'  he  asked. 

"  Then  came  the  voice  of  the  nervous  man : 

Hang  you  !     Drop  that  other  shoe,  will  you  ?' " 
90 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


THE  TRADING-STAMP  CRAZE 

An  undertaker  in  a  large  city  makes  this  contribution : 

He  was  visited  at  his  place  of  business  one  morning  by  two 
women,  one  of  whom  wore  a  long  crepe  veil,  attesting  to  recent 
bereavement.  Indeed,  she  had  come  to  select  a  coffin  for  her 
husband.  Part  of  her  conversation  was  carried  forward  with 
a  handkerchief  held  to  her  tear-dimmed  eyes.  It  took  her  a 
long  time  to  make  her  choice,  but  finally  she  did  so,  and  the 
undertaker  had  escorted  her  to  the  door,  when  she  stopped  and 
said  tearfully  :  "  One — one — thing  more." 

"  Yes,"  said  the  undertaker. 

"  Do  you — do  you — give  trading  stamps  ?  " 


A  PROBLEM  IN  PHYSICS 

Patrick  and  Michael  had  returned  from  a  neighboring  town 
where  they  had  been  imbibing  quite  heavily  of  intoxicating 
liquors.  While  passing  through  their  farm-yard  Pat  fell  down 
the  well.  Mike  immediately  ran  to  the  bam  for  a  rope  and  on 
returning  lowered  it  to  his  friend.  Pat  was  quite  a  heavy  fellow 
and  it  was  with  great  difficulty  that  Mike  began  pulling  him  to 
the  top  of  the  well. 

Owing  to  the  effects  of  the  liquor  he  had  drunk  Mike's  head 
was  not  as  steady  nor  was  his  grip  as  strong  as  they  might  have 
been.  Pat  had  been  pulled  about  half  way  to  the  surface  when 
Mike,  feeling  the  rope  slipping  through  his  hands  said  "  Hould 
on  tight  Pat,  hold  on  tight  just  for  one  secont  'til  Oi  sphiton  me 
hands." 

91 


AFTER   DINNER   STORIES 


TAKE  IT  IN  INSTALMENTS 

William  H  Crane,  the  actor,  tells  of  an  amusing  incident  that 
occurred  in  course  of  a  performcince  by  a  company  with  which 
the  comedian  was  connected  at  one  time.  Crane  had  been 
understudying  for  the  leading  man,  and  it  became  his  duty  at  a 
critical  time  to  lift  up  the  fainting  heroine  and  convey  her  to  the 
wings. 

At  the  time  mentioned  Mr.  Crane  was  slight  and  anything 
but  strong,  so  that  the  task  assigned  was  extremely  difficult, 
when  it  is  considered  that  the  leading  woman  weighed  nearly 
two  hundred  pounds. 

After  sundry  attempts  to  accomplish  the  "  business"  assigned 
him,  with  little  hope  of  its  accomplishment,  the  strain  was  broken 
by  the  hearty  laughter  of  the  audience,  for  a  strong,  shrill  voice 
from  the  gallery  had  shouted : 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  man,  take  what  you  can  and  come 
back  for  the  rest ! " 


SUCH  A  LIAR 

Casey  and  Riley  agreed  to  settle  their  dispute  by  a  fight  and 
it  was  understood  that  whoever  wanted  to  quit  should  say 
"  enough."  Casey  got  Riley  down  and  was  hammering  him 
unmercifully,  when  Riley  called  out  several  times  "enough ! " 
As  Casey  paid  no  attention,  but  kept  on  administering  punish- 
ment, a  bystander  said,  "  Why  don't  you  let  him  up  ?  Don't 
you  hear  him  say  that  he's  got  enough  ?  "  "I  do,"  says  Casey, 
"  but  he's  such  a  liar,  you  can't  believe  him." 

92 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


WOULD  LACK  THE  PRICE 

An  employe  working  for  an  undertaker,  having  been  given 
chcirge  for  the  first  time  of  the  funeral  of  a  wealthy  Hebrew, 
upon  being  asked  by  his  employer  as  to  how  hesucxeeded,  said 
"  Oh,  puity  well,  but — " 

"  But  what  ?  "  the  employer  asked, 

"  Well,  you  see,  boss,  I  want  to  ask  you  a  question.  When 
we  put  the  corpse  in  the  casket  they  put  fifty  cents  in  his  hand. 
Now  what  do  they  do  that  for  ?  " 

"  Oh,  they  have  a  tradition  that  they  must  do  that  so  the  soul 
Ccin  pay  the  ferryage  across  the  river,"  replied  the  undertaker. 

The  inquirer  answered,  "  Well,  the  poor  fellow  will  have  to 
swim  this  time." 


HE  HAD  LEFT  THE  CARDS  ALL  RIGHT 

The  high-bom  deime  was  breaking  in  a  new  footmain — stupid 
but  honest. 

In  her  brougham,  about  to  make  a  round  of  visits,  she  found 
she  had  forgotten  her  bits  of  pasteboard.  So  she  sent  the  man 
back  with  orders  to  bring  some  of  her  cards  that  were  on  the 
mantelpiece  in  her  boudoir,  and  put  them  in  his  pocket. 

At  different  houses,  she  told  the  footman  to  hcind  in  one,  and 
sometimes  a  couple,  until  at  last  she  told  Jeames  to  leave  three 
at  one  house. 

"  Ccin't  do  it,  mum." 

"  How's  that  ?  " 

"  I've  only  got  two  left — the  ace  of  spades  and  the  seven  of 
clubs ! " 

93 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


NOT  IN  THE  PAST— THE  FUTURE 
"  Wasn't  there  a  fire  in  your  store  last  Wednesday  ?  " 
"  No.     Not  last  Vendesday — Next  Tuesday." 


HIS  IDEA  OF  GENIUS 
A  young  man  once  said  to  Thomas  A.  Edison,  the  inventor 
"  Mr.  Edison,  don't  you  beKeve  that  genius  is  inspiration  ?  " 
"  No,"  replied  Edison  ;  "genius  is  /^rspiration." 


COULDN'T  SMELL  ANYTHING 

Heinrich  Conned  was  standing  in  the  back  of  the  Metro- 
politan Opera  House  a  few  nights  ago,  during  the  performance 
of  a  German  opera.  As  he  leaned  on  the  reiil  behind  the  back 
row  of  seats,  he  heard  the  whispers  of  two  men  sitting  almost 
in  reach  of  his  hand. 

One  of  them  was  apparently  a  native  American  ;  the  other 
talked  v\^th  a  decided  German  dialect. 

"The  acoustics  of  this  house,"  whispered  the  Americcin, 
"  are  very  bad." 

The  German  was  heard  to  sniff  audibly  once  or  twice. 

"  Vot  makes  you  say  dot  ?  "  he  asked  of  his  Americein  com- 
panion ;  "  I  don't  smell  anyt'ing." 


DEFINITION  OF  AN  IRISH  ISLAND 
A  school-teacher  asked  an  Irish  boy  to  describe  an  island. 
"  Sure,  ma'eun,"  said  Pat,  "  it's  a  place  ye  can't  lave  without  a 
boat." 

94 


AFTER    DINNER    STORIES 


HE  WAS  INTOXICATED 

The  owner  of  a  certain  factory  had  considerable  trouble  with 
one  of  his  foremen  o\ving  to  the  man's  continual  use  of  strong 
drink.  Quite  often  this  man  would  come  to  work  with  an  ex- 
cess of  stimulative  spirits  within  him.  He  would  have  been 
discharged  after  his  first  offence,  but  for  the  fact  that  he  was  a 
very  capable  employe. 

The  owner  lost  patience,  however  one  day,  when  the  fore- 
man staggered  Into  his  room,  barely  able  to  walk.  "  I  see  you're 
drunk  agciin,"  Sciid  the  owner,  eind  he  told  the  man  that  this 
would  be  his  last  offence  as  he  had  no  further  need  of  his  ser- 
vices. "  I'm  not  drunk,"  seiid  the  man  with  a  convulsive  hic- 
cough. The  proprietor  amused  at  his  drunken  obstinancy  said, 
"  I  bet  you  couldn't  WcJk  a  straight  line  if  you  tried."  "  Show 
me  the  line,"  replied  the  fellow  as  he  slumped  into  a  chair. 
Taking  a  piece  of  chalk  from  his  desk  the  owner  drew  a  long 
line  on  the  floor.  The  man  wath  an  attemptedly  dignified  man- 
ner rose  and  said,  looking  at  the  floor — "  Now  shir,  if  you'll  tell 
me  which  one  of  dose  t'ree  lines  you  want  me  to  walk  on  I'll 
do  it.** 


A  SHARP  RETORT 

A  Yankee  and  an  Irishman  happening  to  be  riding  together, 
passed  a  gallows. 

"  Where  would  you  be,*'  said  Jonathan,  "if  the  gallows  had 
its  due  ?" 

"  Riding  alone,  I  guess,"  Sciid  the  Irishman. 
95 


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